


Stupor Smesh Bras Mishen From doG 3: Teh Ultamint War Agenst Librul Evul. LAUREN UR STIL DUM! IM NOTA LESBAN!

by JennyDoombringer, PrincessAmerica



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 19,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyDoombringer/pseuds/JennyDoombringer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmerica/pseuds/PrincessAmerica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sara muts ons agen saev Nintando Word frum teh evul libruls who haev ruaned Amerkia. Wil she sucede agen or wil she loose? Fine dot bye redin thes storey!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHAP 1 MUWTOO ATAKS

**Author's Note:**

> (Since I've gotten a bunch of fans in the social justice community since speaking out against GamerGate, and because putting trigger warnings on things rustles the jimmies of whiny assholes whose pathetic temper tantrums amuse me, I'm gonna put a trigger warning on this shit. TRIGGER WARNING: This story is written from the point of view of an incredibly bigoted moron. Large amounts of bigotry and general stupidity are to be expected. Homophobia will almost certainly be the most common, but expect to see sexism, racism, possibly some transphobia, and many other flavors of horrific viewpoints. Also, there's probably going to be a lot of references to rape. I mean A LOT. The point-of-view character is incredibly paranoid and stupid to the point of thinking that all lesbians are out to rape her, and thus thinks about rape constantly. I'm pretty sure that covers everything. Now, let's begin with the stupid.)
> 
> Iv desided to maek thes storey becuz Im vary angri becuz teh Sublime Karp desided taht gay mirage shold be legul in Amerkia. Taht gos agents God and the Conshituton! Amarka is a CHRISTEN NASHUN! I dont want 2 marey a women IM STRATE NOTA LESBAN! THA SUPLEX KART IS BRAKING THE LAW OFF THE BIBAL AND THA 5 JOSTASES WHO VOTAD 4 GAYNES SHULD BE IN PRISAN! Wuts werse is taht lotsa pepole r congradulat Lauren abot thes on Fasbok, includen my mom an Emily adn Chloe. My noo frends Ashley an Olivia didant take 2 Lauren becuz they dont no her butt they did chang ther fasbok pictars 2 hav ranebows and sed the Souprim Kurt wuz rite 2 maek gay mirage legul. IM BETRAY BUY EVERONE I CAR ABOT! AND GOD IS BETRAD BYE THAM 2!
> 
> Sum otter thins hapaned sins I last rited a storey 2. My mom chang her nam bak 2 her madden naem so she wans pepole 2 cal her Ms. Matthews instead off Mrs. Osborne. TAHTS RON! Im afred she mite be a lesban nao and mite rap me. Aslo in otter noos bak in Soth Carelina there tryen 2 taek awey tha rebull falg becuz they say its rasest. Its abot sothran heritag pepole! Tha soth wuz jus minden ther on busnas doen noting ron wen tha yankys atacked them in the war off norton regression. Red my fursts storey for moar abot that.
> 
> As ucan sea I hav alot 2 be angri abot rite nao so Im writen this noo storey. I hop everone lieks it expect teh libruls becuz ur bad an ron and I dont car wat u thenk.
> 
> Aslo hapey Fort of Julie everone. 2day is teh day wen Jesas and Jorge Wussinton invanted Ameroka and Christenity liek a hundrad yeers ago or sumthin. Tihs is a vary impotent day becuz evan tho the libruls r tryen to ruan Amirka its stil the greetest cuntry on erth
> 
> (OK, now for a few more out-of-character notes. I was originally planning on writing this a few months from now, but the Supreme Court decision made this an excellent time to start. I intend for this to be the final part of the Mishonh series. Unfortunately, I'm really busy with my wedding planning right now so updates will probably be pretty infrequent. Case in point, I started writing this chapter on the day the Supreme Court made its same-sex marriage decision but didn't finish it until the Fourth of July. Updates probably won't become more frequent like my other Mishonh stories at least until I get back from my honeymoon at the end of August. And even then I'm going to want to spend time with my new wife. I'll try to keep any hiatuses short, but no promises. And, for people who don't like these out-of-character notes breaking your immersion in this story, don't worry, I won't use them a lot. I just had to clear a few things up in this first chapter)

CHAP 1: NEWTU ATAKS

I wuz walkan don teh stret on day not noen wut 2 do. My frends bitrayd me and my mom wuz tryen 2 tunr me in2 a lesban. Soi didant liek bean in my apratment. I wantad to bye stuf butt I dont hav as muhc munny anemore becuz my dad refusas 2 pay chilled supart and alimoney 2 my mom (they go2 cort abot this. Hopfully my mom lose becuz she dosant hav teh rite 2 taek my dads munny becuz hes a hard worken job crater). I hat bean pore tho. My mom goted a job werkan at a grosri stor butt it dosant pay her alota munny prolly becuz shes lazey. So aneway I wuz walken don the stret wen sudanly a bal off evul enurji flewed tords me. I dogged it and loked 2 see it wuz MOOTU TEH NOO POAKMAN IN SMASH BORS!!!!

"Ono!" I sed. Jewtwo wuz an athist so he wershiped Satin insted of God becuz Poakmans beleve in evaluation.

"Mwahaha Sara im hear 2 kil u!" Tutu sed.

"Butt how r u in Amerka! God protracts teh reel wrold frum Poakmons!" I sed.

"Not anemore! God gived up on Amanda becuz gay married is legul. Nao Poakmens can cum 2 reel wold wenever we want!" Mwotew sed.

"Ono!" I sed. I runed awey butt Mootwo runed aftar me. I runed don a drak aley tryen to hid frum him butt he noed wear I wuz becuz he has majak powars 2 red mines an stuf. I thot I wold dye 4 shur butthan somon shoed up and hited Mwetow with a juge hamar. It wuz SOUPREME KARP JERKASS ANTONIO SCABIES!!!

"Ho daer u stop me frum killen Sara, Antonym Scallop!" Mateo sed.

"Sara! U ned 2 go 2 Nentindo Wrold agen if u want 2 stap gay mirage!" Jostache Scaldia sed.

"Ok" I sed.

"Butt taht wont werk becuz ill kill u!" Mutew sed. He tred 2 shat his balls at me agen butt Joystick Scorpion puled ot a Bibal and a Constetuton and bloked them. Than he helded up teh Bibal and Constipation and shat holey enurji at tham that hited Muyto and hurted him alot.

"Ow! Ill get u next tim!" Muttoo sed as he runed awey.

"Tanks 4 saven me" I sed.

"Off coarse I wold saev u! Ur teh onely hop 4 Christenity and Ameriadoc" Jistas Scalpera sed. Than he leeved. Soi new wut I had 2 do. I wented bak 2 my apportionment soi cold get insid my vido gaems buttwen I goted ther ALL MY GAEMS WER GON!!!

"Ono!" I sed. I wented 2 my mom.

"Mom wy r my vido gaems gon" I sed.

"Becuz teh femanasts caem 2 taek tham and I leted them becuz Im evul" my mothra sed. Taht wuz vary meen. Aslo I didant no hao 2 get 2 Nintando wrold nao.

"Ono! Butt I ned 2 goto Nontado Werld 2 stap gay mirage!" I sed.

"Butt I dont want u todo that becuz Im evul and librul nao soi liek teh gays" my mom sed "aslo Lauren and Kaety r haven ther wedan at teh Smash Mention and they didant invit u."

"Ono! I ned 2 stoop teh weedin!" I sed.

"I wont let u!" my mom sed. Than she laffed evully butt she had 2 leev 4 werk soi cold be at hoem alon and plan wut 2 do naxt. I preyed 2 God butt I noed he coldant heer me becuz he didant caer abot Amarkia anemore becuz we bitray him. I noed ther had 2 be sum otter way 2 Nintenod Word.


	2. CHAP 2: RUY AND RYO AN LUCIUS SHO UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teh otter noo pepole cum 2 help Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my mom sed I shold maek otter frends witches gud becuz im stil mad at Ashley an Olivia 4 suparten gay mirage. On off my moms cowerkers has a dotter the saem age as me and I wented 2 there hose 2 meet her. At furst I thot it wold be a trik becuz my mom is tryen to turd me in2 a lesban butt the girl didant try 2 rap me so shes probly strate. Her naem is Haley and shes rilly pritty adn she tolded me im pritty 2. It maed me feal reely gud wen she sed that. Aslo she has lotsa pictars of pritty womans on the wals off her rome jus liek me. I lik spendan tim wither and hop we can do that moor.

CHAP 2: RIY AND RYA AND LOCUST SHOE UP

After my mom leaved 4 werk I noed I had 2 run awey frum hoam becuz the femanasts mite of telled Muttoo that they taked my vido gaems so I coldant get 2 Nintando wrold so Mootu wold no im at my hose and wold try to kil me agen. So I runed otside and awey frum hoam. I didant no were 2 go becuz I had 2 fine sum vido gaems. Furst I thot abot goen 2 Haleys hose butthan I remambered she didant hav vidyo gams so I coldant get 2 Nentindo wold frum ther. Naxt I thot maybe I cold go2 Ashley and Olivia's hose evan tho I wuz mad at them they were my onely otter frends in town. Butt they wernt hoam so I coldant go their ether! I was abot 2 try to fine sumthin eels I cold do 2 goto Nintondo Word wen sudanly I notased that a car wuz folowen me.

"Ono!" I sed. I wuz shur it wuz sum lesbans cumen 2 rap me so I runed awey. The car startad driven fastar 2 folow me so I runed don a drak aley. The car foloed me don the aley so I runed fastar. Butsoon I wuz trap becuz the aley leeded 2 a ded and.

"Pls dont rap me!" I yelled. Butthan I loked in2 the car and sawed it wuzant lesbans at all! It wuz sum otter Smash broas karectors. Rye was driven teh car and Roi wuz riden shogun and Lokas wuz in the bak. I remambered Lukos frum teh furst storey butt I nevar meeted the otter 2 b4.

"Hi Sara" Lookus sed.

"Hi ur bak" I sed.

"Ya and heres Ruy and Ryo there noo" Lupus sed.

"Hi" sed Rio. He wuz frum teh Slut Fitter gaems witch r vary hard 2 play and I alweys loose. Hes a vary musklar guy.

"Hi" sed Roi. He wuz frum Fiar Album gams liek Mark and Lucina and Iek and teh Robans. He is alot liek Math and Lucina in Smash Bras butt he has rad hare insted off bloo hare so he probly isant there bruther he mite be there cosine or sumthn tho.

"Yay im gald 2 see u guyz" I sed "teh femanasts taked my vido gaems awey so I cant goto Neontdo owrld."

"Ono!" sed Rut.

"Hay wy dont u go2 teh store and buy tha gam agen!" sed Ry.

"Grate idea!" I sed. So I goted in tha car and Ryi drived out off tha aley and bak 2 tha rod.


	3. CHAP 3: SARA BYS VIDO GAEM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara gos 2 Targat and byes a vido gaem so taht shecan go2 Nintondo wrold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sumthin weerd hapan 2 me 2day wen I wented 2 Targat in reel lief (I hav 2 shap ther 4 cloths nao becuz im pore). Sum asen ladey wuz ther and I thot it wuz Ashley or Olivia butt her naem tag sed Mealni or sumthin wich isant ether of ther nams so I didant no wich on off tham she wuz. She sed sum werd stuf 2 me and than sudanly vanashed. I thenk she wuz probly a gost or a denim becuz teh libruls mad a buncha laws taht fork busnases 2 hiar pepole who arnt strate wite Christens so Targat had 2 hiar a goast deman or eels theyd brake teh law. I gess that mens she wuzant Ashley or Olivia than.

CHAP 3: SARA BUSY VIDAO GUME

Ryi drivad tha car 2 Targat so I cold buy tha Smosh Bors gaem 2 play and goto Nyntando Wrold. He porked tha car in tha praken lot and I goted ot off it.

"U ned 2 hurray or eels sum lesbans will be hear 2 rap u" he sed.

"Ino its dangaris" I sed "so ill hurey"

I runed in2 tha stor butthan I remambered taht my mom is alweys tha on who byes vido gaems 4 me so I didant no were they wer. I wented 2 tha cloths butt nun off tham wer vido gams!

"Ono!" I sed. Sudanly I sawed 2 Targat werkers talken 2 eech otter. On off them turd and sawed me. She wuz a asen so I thot she mite be Ashley or Olivia butt nether off them werked at Targat so I wuz confus.

"I wonder what member of the Let's Dub team is going to voice me," she sed.

"Wut dos that men" teh otter Targot persan sed.

"Nothing. Forget I said anything," tha ladey sed "Now, can you take care of this? I need to help this guest."

"Ok ur tha bos" sed teh otter Tergat werker and he walkad awey 2 do wut thay wer werken on. Tha ladey walkad up 2 me.

"Hello, I'm Melanie. Can I help you find something?" she sed. I reelized she talkad vary weerd butt I neded to get tha vido gaem b4 lesbans came 2 rap me so I neded her halp.

"Hi" I sed. I pritended 2 no wether she wuz Ashley or Olivia becuz sumtims I hav a hard tim tellin them aprat and I didant no witch on off tham she wuz.

"I'm not either of your friends, in case you were wondering," sed tha ladey.

"Ok than I ned ur halp becuz I ned 2 bye teh Supper Smush Bras gaem 4 Wiiu soi can go2 Nintando wrold and stop teh gay ajenda" I sed.

"I figured you would say something like that. The electronics department is this way. Follow me," she sed. So I fillowed her 2 wer tha vido gaems wer and she gotted tha gaem I wantad 4 me.

"OK, now I just need 2 ring you up," she sed. She wented 2 tha cahs rejastor. And I shoed her my munny.

"I hav tree dolars is taht enuff 4 tha gaem" I sed. She syed.

"I'm really not supposed to do this, but..." and tahn she snaped her fignars and everone eels in tha stor expect me an her freezed in plas. Than she goted ot her walat and puled ot her on credat card and pade 4 my gaem with her on munny.

"Tanks" I sed wen she gived tha gaem to me "wy did u do taht tho im not guna let u paly this gam ur stooped 4 spendin munny on otter pepole."

"Sara," she sed evan tho I nevar tolled her my naem "you're about to go on a very important adventure, far more important than any before. In the end, you're going to have to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Hopefully, you'll make the right one."

"Ur crazey wy did they hiar a crazey persan 2 werk hear" I sed. It wuz probly Barrak Eponas falt agen.

"It's not Obama's fault. I actually don't work at this store. I'm just visiting from somewhere in Oregon. Not your Oregon, though. Currently, we are in the 'third level' of reality. I've already met you on the second as well. I'm from the first level, probably," sed teh ladey.

"Wut" I sed.

"Never mind, it's complicated parallel universe shit that will fly over your head. Also, as I said, my name is 'Melanie', not 'teh ladey', and also you need to learn to tell Asians apart better. Your friends are Korean, in case you or anyone else were wondering. I'm half-Japanese, not even fully Asian really. Also I'm thirty, while your friends are both in high school. I mean, people mistake me for a teenage girl all the fucking time because I'm barely five feet tall, ridiculously skinny, and have curves than make it look like I barely started puberty, but mistaking me for a teenager stopped being flattering and started being annoying when I was twenty-eight and... you know what, never mind. It's not important. I would point out how it's kind of racist to think all Asians look alike, but honestly it's far from the biggest of your racism problems," tha ladey sed butthan she aded "Hey! What did I just say?"

"Sorey Meloni" I sed.

"Close enough," Malady sed. Than she snaped her finers agen adn tim startad moven.

"Now, it will be a long time before I see you again, so let me ask one more thing before you go," Meelanei sed.

"Wut" I sed.

"Would you like to ask your mom to come in and apply for a Target REDcard? You and she can save 5% on all purchases and get free shipping from Target.com," Nelomi sed.

"No im ok" I sed.

"Not even my own fictional characters..." Mealny sed "never mind. Thanks for shopping at Target! Hope to see you again!"

Taht wuz weerd butt at leest I goted my gaem. I leeved tha store.


	4. CHAP 3: DONOLD TREMP HALPS SARA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner Tramp shos up 2 taek Sara 2 his manshan so she can safly go2 Nentindo wrold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im vary sad 2day. Teh guy who wuz leeder of Nintando dyed. His naem wuz Satoru Iwata (I lok up hao 2 spel ihs nam on wikpeda becuz im not gud at spellen adn 2 spel the nams ron off gud Christens wen they dye is disrespakt and bad) and he wuz a vary nise persan. I alweys remamber seein him in intranet vidos cald Nentondo Durants were he telled us abot al teh noo gaems that he wuz maken. He wuz so funey and frendly. I herd he dyed off cansur probly becuz Obabacar replas his doktar with guvmint burocret. Taht make me moar angriur than I evar wuz at Barak Ubuma! Omoba shold bee impeech 4 killen Iwata! Aslo I wented 2 Ashley and Olivia's house 2 giv condolans becuz he wuz asen so I thot he mite off ben there dad or unkol or sumthin. Turns ot he wuzant relate 2 tham atall and sins they liv with both off there parants I meeted ther dad lotsa tims and hes stil aliv (asens r hard 2 tel apart tho so I thot it wuz posable taht he and Iwata wer tha sam persan). Aslo ther Koreen and Iwata wuz Japones and thos r aparently difrant thins. Evan tho I wuz ron abot tham bean relatad Ashley and Olivia wer still sad abot Iwata dyen even tho Olivia dosant pley vido gams vary muk and so we taked abot al teh gud gams Nuntendo mad withis halp 2 cheer eech otter up and nao werefrends agen. I no Iwata is in Heven rite nao maken vido gaems 4 God an Jesas adn Jorge Wasenton an al teh otter gud Christens who dyed.
> 
> (Well, I wanted to do something in tribute to the life of Mr. Iwata. Some kind of thank you for all the great memories he and his games gave me, my fiancee, my siblings, and my young nieces. Believe me, it was hard to explain to my second oldest niece, age five, that “the funny Nintendo man” wouldn't be in any more videos talking about new games. I tried to make Sara's eulogy as in-character as possible without being disrespectful. Yes, I know Mr. Iwata was probably not a Christian due to how few of those there are in Japan, but even Sara knows that he was a good person, and since she believes you have to be Christian to be a good person, it would be utterly unfathomable to her to think he was Buddhist or Shinto or whatever religion or lack thereof he actually was (to the point where, when presented with irrefutable evidence, she would just claim that the evidence was faked, probably by President Obama, to make Mr. Iwata look bad). I may not have known Satoru Iwata personally, but one thing he made very clear was how much he valued fun and laughter. While this fic almost certainly doesn't fit with his sense of humor, I'm sure he would want people to cope with his death and carry on his legacy by finding joy and laughter. So, please, laugh at the stupidity of my dumb troll fic. For Satoru Iwata)

CHAP 3: Dayold Rump Hleps Sara

I wuz standen otsid Targat planen to go in 2 bye a gaem butt than I loked in my hans and sawed I alredy wuz holden a copay off Sipper Smesh Bros for Wiiu. I didant no were I goted it butt nao I had a gaem and so I jus neded 2 fine away 2 play it so I cold goto Nintondo wrold.

“Hao will u goto Nonentdo word u hav 2 fine somewere saef ucan play vido gaem were femanasts cant cum and taek them” Ruy sed.

“Ino butt thanks 2 teh librul soshel jostes warers femansts can taek vido gemas frum anewhere” I sed.

Sudanly I sawed a hellcrapter fly don frum tha ski and lan in teh parken lat and sumon gotted ot off it. It wuz Dolan Tramp! Dunald Tromp is a reely rich guy whos runen 4 presadent and is teh beest candodet in tha electron. I wold vot 4 him butt im not gona bee old enuff 2 vot becuz ill onely be 17 an u hav 2 be 81 too voet. I thenk Obaka mad thet law so I coldant vot becuz he nos id vot agenst aney libruls or soshalests or SWJs who he wans 2 win. Hes reely meen and unfare liek tat.

“I herd u hav problam” Trimp sed.

“Ya I ned 2 go2 Nentendo wrold 2 stop teh libruls butt femanasts kep taken my gams awey” I sed.

“Ok I can let u play teh gams in my manshan and my gards wil kep femonusts awey frum them” Turmp sed.

“Tanks tahts a greet idya” I sed.

So me and Ruy and Ryo and Lukis and Tramp al gotted in tha hellocoptur and flyd 2 Dumald Trunks hose. Wen we gotted there I putin tha gaem and turd on teh tv. 

“Ok nao ho do I go2 Mintendo” I sed.

“U ned 2 prey reely hard 2 God an than a mirakol wil hapan that turds tha tv in2 a porthole” Rye sed.

“Ok” I sed. So I preyed and preyed until God herd me and tha tv wuz a porthole 2 Nontendo Wrold nao. Than me and Roi and Riu and Lucius al jamped in 2 get 2 tha Smash Manshan. Wen we gotted ther we sawed that the Smashers evan the Christen ons were bean farced to putup a bunk of declarations 2 prepair 4 Lauren and Kairis weeding. It wuz turible!


	5. CHAP 4: RETURP 2 MANSHAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara is bak at tha manshan butt bad stuf is hapen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iv ben sean Haley at her hose alot ovar the last few dais. She is vary nise and pritty and she remids me off Lauren alot butt shes nota lesban so shes not secretely tryan 2 rap me wile pritend 2 be my frend. Aftar we were talkan last nite she assed if I wantad 2 c her nakad. Furst I had 2 no if she wuz a lesban and so I aksed her. She sed she wuz bisexal I dont no wat that mens butt I ges it mens shes nota lesban so she muts be strate. Tahts gud. So we both gotted nakad in front of ech otter adn I aksed if I cold toch her bobs and she wuz ok with that. Im shur sum pepole wil cal me a lesban for thes butt its not a lesban thin becuz we didant hav sax. Its completly normel 4 strate gurls 2 do this thins with otter strate gurls. Unfortunly Ashley and Olivia nevar want 2 get nakad with me I wondar wy. Do they thenk im uglay or sumthin? At leest Haley thenks im pritty.

CHAP 4: RETUNE 2 MANSHAN

Wen I gotted 2 tha manshan I sawed that al teh Smashars evan the Christen ons wer farced 2 setup declarations 4 Lauren and Katis weedan.

"Ono!" I sed. Than Sholk adn Lucina sawed me.

"Yay ur bak!" Lucina sed. She runed ovar and huged me.

"Wy r u helpin with tha descartes 4 tha lesban wedan" I sed.

"Becuz Mastar Hen sed hed tel teh bluddy soshal justas warier wankars in tha librul medea if we didant and thed rite bad artikols abot hao were bluddy homophones" Sholk sed.

"Ono!" I sed. Mister Hands was sensoren tham! SENSORSHIP IS RON AND THA SOSHAL JEWSTAS WARIERS WHO RITE ARTIKOLS ABOT PEPOLE AND CAL THAM RACEST AND SAXEST AND STUF SHOLD BE FARCED 2 SHAT UP!!!

"I no its turible" Ruy sed "tahts we me and Rye and Lokas came 2 get u."

"Butt thers noting u can do Sara" I herd a pritty butt evul vois say. I noed rite awey it wuz Lauren.

"I will note stap tryen 2 sav the wrold frum u Lauren!" I sed.

"Its 2 late me and Kaety wil hav r weedin reely soon and than Satin wil defete God and Jesas ons and feral!"

"Ono!" I sed. Than Lauren laffed evully and wlaked awey.

"Bye tha way we cant dat anemore becuz I joned tha Fath Miltank frum sesan 5 of Gam off Throns so I werk 4 tha Hi Spearow 2 get rid off tha gays in Briten" Sholk sed.

"Butt than hao wil everone no im strate if I dont hav a bofrend" I sed.

"U can dat me" sed Ruy.

"Ok" I sed.

"Lets go2 my rome" Lucina sed "u can slep with me agen."

So me and Lucina wented 2 tha manshan butt Mastar Hen stoped us!

"Sara wy r u bak! Wy wont u evar go awey! I want 2 get rid off u!" he sed.

"Ur meen!" I sed "and thers noting ucan do 2 kep me outa teh manshan! So go awey or ill beet u up liek last tim!"

"Ther mite be nothan Ican do 2 kep u frum bean in tha manshan, butt I wont let u stap Lauren and Kaetis wedan with ur intolerate hobbitphobia and if u evan try ill go2 tha medea and tel them wata bad persan u r!" Mustard Hanes sed "and ill giv u ditenshun agen!"

So Matter Hemp fly awey and me and Lucina wented 2 r rome and gotted in bad.


	6. CHAP 5: STOPAN TEH WEDIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara tres 2 stap Lauren and Katniss weedon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorey I wantad thes storey tobe longar butt my mom cotted me riten and sed taht riten bad thins abot pepole wuz bad and so I hav 2 stap. EVAN THO AL TEH THONGS I SAY R TROO!!!! MY MOM IZ SO MEEN! Butt im gona rite this lust chaptar 2 putt an endan on mye storey. Ons thus is ovar I hop yall werk 2 fite al teh gays and lesbans and libruls and sjews adn otter bad pepole bye votan 4 DONELD TRAMP! Hell be teh beast presodant in tha histray of tim.
> 
> (Hello! My name is Jenny, one of PrincessAmerica's friends. She asked me to lend my assistance in finishing this chapter because she didn't want to just leave everyone hanging until she was able to write again. She said she picked me because I was the only one who attended her wedding who worked on stuff like this before, with some comics I did for the Twitch Plays Pokemon subreddit (https://www.reddit.com/user/ZetsuTheFarce/submitted/ in case you wanted to look at my own purposefully-bad works. Be warned that they make even less sense than you'd expect if you don't know the complex lore that Twitch Plays Pokemon built in the first six games we played last year). Praise Helix! I'd like to give special thanks to PrincessAmerica's younger brother and sister for logging into their sister's account to invite me to AO3 and add me as a co-author. Don't worry, this story isn't over and every chapter after this point will be entirely the usual author's writing. It's just that she had this chapter almost done but was unable to finish due to, you know, getting married and going on her honeymoon and stuff. The fake ending is to provide an in-story justification for why there will be a hiatus until probably mid-September, at which point Sara will "find a way around her mom's ban on writing this" (don't ask me how, it's PrincessAmerica's story, not mine). In case you're curious as to how much exactly was written by me, it's just the stuff after the "Chaos got reely dunk and felled ovary" line (I didn't know PrincessAmerica played Barkley: Shut Up And Jam Gaiden, but in retrospect I shouldn't be surprised). Also, I wrote the author's note, but with some guidelines that she gave to me before she left.
> 
> One last thing before I vanish from this story forever. Since PrincessAmerica won't be able to do anything about this until she gets back from her honeymoon, I just want to say 42-20! Take that, Oregon! O-H! I-O!)

CHAP 5: STOOPON THA WEEDAN

Tha next day I gotted togeter with teh otter Christen Smashars becuz we had 2 came with a plane. We noed taht it wold be reely bad if Lauren adn Kaety were allow 2 get madrid. Butt if we tryd 2 do anethin than Mastur Hands wold stop us and tel tha librul medea we were bean intolerant. It wuz a vary tuff sichooashun.

"I no wutif u beet up Mister Hans liek u did last tim" sed Lucina.

"No taht wont werk becuz hell go 2 tha hospetal and us obabacaer 2 heel himsalf with taxpayur dolars and get bak evan mader" I sed.

"Maeby ucan go 2 tha suprem cort agen and get Antenna Scylla 2 chang tha law so homosexalty wold be ilegal agen" sed Ruy.

"No taht wont werk becuz teh librul soshal jostas wariers on tha cort wil stop that frum hapan" I sed. I noed if I votad 4 Donold Trunk he wold do sumthin abot it butt I woldant be old enuf in tha electron and evan if I wuz it wuzant untel naxt yeer becuz Brock Omaha wants 2 held on2 his diktater powar as lon as pasable and tha wedan wuz a lon tim b4 that.

Butthan sudanly I had a idiom!

"I no!" I sed "wen dos Matterhorn hav his cofy brake evry day"

Teh otter Smashars tolled me so I had my plaen. Latur in tha day I watted otsid were Lauren adn Kairi wer tlaken with Mastar Hen.

"Ok I no this is guna be a grate wedan butt nao I ned 2 go on my kofi brake or eels ill be 2 tire 2 halp" he sed.

"Ok" sed Lauren and Kati. Mosher Hind leeved and tha 2 lesbans were al along. Tha otter Christen Smashors didant com with me becuz I noed Muster Hans wold get suspishus if he didant c aney Christens in tha manshan wile he wented 2 tha brake rome. Ons I wuz shur Mystery Hanes wuz fair enuf away I jump ot.

"Nao Im gona stop ur evul lesban weedan!" I sed.

"Ha! Were gona tel Mobster Hens and hell punash u for this!" sed Kaeti.

"Butt hes on kofy brake remamber" I sed.

"Ok than well just rap u and then al tree of us wil be lesbans and marey each otter" sed Lauren.

"Ono!" I sed. I didant thank abot that and I wuz otnumber. Maybe I shold of breened a few Christens with me 2 halp. Butthan sudanly a lite came frum hevan and God and Jesas apeer.

"Nut so fast!" sed Jess.

"Were hear 2 stap u!" sed God.

"Ha u cant stopus becuz we beleev in eviloshun witch sez ur not reel" sed Katiy.

"Ya and aslo were lesbans so we wership Satin and Obaka not u2" sed Lauren.

Kaeti runed at Jedis butt he turd sum off tha waiter in her buddy in2 win (I leerned in sians clas taht the humen buddy is mosty waiter. I dont no if tahts a librul lye or not butt pritend its troo becuz this wont mak sens otterwise) so Chaos got reely dunk and felled ovary.

"Ono my luv!" sed Lauren. Than God stroked Lauren with lighting and she falled unconshus 2.

"Yay! Tha lesbans r defeet!" I sed "tanks God adn Jeeves."

"Dont menton it" they sed. Now I noed tha wrold wuz save frum tha gay ajenda and everthin was gud 4evar.

THA EMU


	7. CHAP 6: SANTA IS EVUL AND MISTER HANK IS A JREK!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staten ruans everthin than Mustard Hanes shoes up 2 maek it evan wors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI EVERON IM BACH!!! I fondled ot a way 2 get arond teh bane my mom puted on me riten this storey. Evry day in skule I taek a commuter clas were I lern 2 do stuf with a competitor. I relized I cold rite stuf 4 my storey than and my mom woldant no abot it. Aslo I turd sixten on the thurd of tha moth so I cold try 2 get driven lisens butt teh libruls woldant giv it 2 me becuz i falled sum stooped test! Im gessin Barek Obaba maed tha test so that I coldant driv. Lauren past tha test wen she taked it and shes a lesban so shes stooped and evul. Brak Osama prolly maeks tha test hardar 4 strate Christen pepole so onely gays and lesbans can driv. I no fixen cars is a guy thin so lesbans r betar atit then strate gurls butt everbuddy drivs cars so it dosant maek sens 4 lesbans 2 be betar.
> 
> (Yeah, I'm back. Thank you Jenny for filling in. I'd retort your Ohio State comment by pointing out how much your Cleveland Browns suck each and every year, but then you could turn that around and point out how both the Ducks and the Seahawks lost this weekend. It's not a good football week for me to trash talk anyone. Maybe I should go back to being a Vikings fan like I was when Chris Kluwe was their punter, but then again they haven't played yet either and could still lose, too. As for my story, expect updates weekdays between 12-1 PM Pacific Time, i.e. "when Sara has her computer class". I'm usually able to take my lunch at work around then, and can store my laptop in my office. No updates on weekends, so it's not quite like the good old days, but at least you won't have to wait days or even weeks between updates anymore)

CHAP 6: SATIN IS EVUL AND MASTAR HOND IS A JURK

"Yay! Everthin is gud nao and gay mirage is defeet!" I sed as God and Juses beeted Lauren adn Kairi. Butt than sudanly I herd a vois frum undar the grond.  
"Tahts wut u thank!" teh evul vois sed. Than sudanly the grond opaned up and SATIN JUMPED OWT!!!!  
"Ono!" I seid "aint u suposed 2 bee a comma"  
"No I gotted Obomakar so I wuz heeled with tax dolars frum hard-werkin tax payurs" sed Saton.  
"Wy r u hear" I sed.  
"Isant it obvus im hear too stap God adn Jeezus frum stopan homosexalty" sed Staten.  
"U cant stop us Santa! Evul alweys wil loose!" sed Jesas. He runned ovar 2 atak Satin butt Satin puled ot a reely big bag and throed it ovar Jesos hed trapen him insid. Than he throed teh bag with Jesas init ovar his sholder.  
"No! U cant captar my sun!" sed God. He tred 2 stroke Saten with lighting butt Satin dogged it. Lukely sum Christen Smashars herd wut wuz goen on and runed otsid 2 help me and God. It wuz Rey and Rye and Sholk and Lucina!  
"Hoboken!" sed Ryo and he fired the enurji atak. Butt it didant hurt Saturn atall becuz he wuz reely stron and stuf. Than Ruy and Sholk and Lucina tred 2 hit Satin with there sords but it didant werk ether. Than God tred his lighting agen butt Saten dogged it agen and piked up a rok. He throed teh roc at God and noked him unconshus.   
"Ha! Ha! Nao evul wins agen! And this tim im gona kep tha kees 2 Hel 2 meslef so u cant beet pepole up and taek them!" sed Santa and than he piked up unconshus God and throed him ovar his otter sholder and with boht God and Jesas captar on his shudders Satin jumped bak in2 Hell and teh hol in the grond closed.  
"Ono!" I sed becuz God and Jedis were captar agen and it wold be hardar 2 saev tham than in my lest storey. Than thins goted evan worse becuz Mister Hanes cam bak frum his kofy brake!  
"Wuts teh meenin off this!" he sed. He went ovar and wake up Lauren and Kaety.  
"Sara tred 2 stop r weedan!" sed Lauren.  
"No! God adn Jesis stapped ur wednesday!" I sed.  
"Ur lyen their is no God and Jeesus" sed Caddy.  
"No im not!" I sed.  
"Can u prov God and Jazzus wer hear Sara?" sed Mastor Hens. Tahts wut libruls alweys say!  
"No butt they wer and than Satin captar tham" I sed.  
"Well I dont belev u becuz ur a intolerate homophone bigat. Im goen 2 tha librul medea 2 tel tham hao bad u r and aslo u get ditenshun"sed Mustard Honda. He leeved.  
"Ha! Ha! Sara u wil loose and were gona get marred and rap u and than the tree ofus will conkur the wrold with lesban sax" sed Lauren.  
"No! I will saev God and Jesas!" I sed. I runned awey 2 tha ditenshun rome becuz I didant want Mythster Hens to punash me moar.


	8. CHAP 7: THA LIBRUL MIDEA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara is farced 2 wach Mister Hind go on a librul noos sho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im getin vary fightened abot somthin at skool. Im scar becuz homcumen is thus wekend and no bois aksed me yet. This is scurry becuz if I dont hav a dat everone wil thank ima lesban and im nota lesban. So maney guys wantad 2 goto homcomen with me lats yeer at my oled skull butt nao noone wants 2 cum with me. Isit becuz tehy thank im uglay hear? I men I no iv had 2 liv liek a pore persan for neerly a yeer nao so my cloths arent as gud as they wer butt guyz sholdant car abot that. Aslo i dont hav a persanel tranner or a nootrishanest anemore so I ganed a litol wate butt im not fat I wer a siz 10 nao butt tahts not evan plus siez. Ud hav 2 be stooped to thenk tahts fat.
> 
> (Just as a note, I don't mean to insult women who wear size ten pants or imply that they're fat. I would explain what the actual joke here is, but "don't explain the joke" is pretty much the first rule of jokes. But here's a hint if you really don't get it: go back and read the first story again, or at least the author's notes in it)

CHAP 7: TEH LIBRUL MADEA

It wuz teh naxt day and I wuz in ditenshun becuz Master Honda was meen adn a jurk. I was farced 2 just sitin the rome withot anethin 2 do and wuz board. Aslo God adn Jizzus wer captar agen and I neded 2 sav them. Than I remambered wut I did lust tim and caled Gud Clon Sara 2 pritend 2 bee me so I cold escap.  
"Hi Reel Sara!" sed Gud Clon Sara wen she shoed up.  
"Ok u no wut 2 do rite" I sed.  
"Ya" she sed. She taked my seet and I jomped ot tha widow butt wen I gotted otsid MUSTY HANES WUZ WATEN 4 ME!!! ONO!!!!  
"Do u reely thank that thus wil werk agen?" he sed "go bak 2 ditenshun Sara."  
Than he piked me up and carred me bak 2 ditenshan.  
"Aslo ur clon has 2 leev. On off u is annoyen enuf" he sed.  
"By Reel Sara" sed Gud Clon Sara sadley.  
"Buy Gud Clon Sara" I sed ass she leeved. I neded a noo plane.  
"I ned 2 goto Noo Yurk 4 my intervew with tha medea. Im levan Krazoa Hans in charg and ull hav 2 wach me on tha tv tonite" sed Mister Ham. He leeved The Room.  
Taht nite Crapy Hank turd on the tv and I had 2 wach tha librul medea. It wuz a tv shoe with the 4 moast famus librul jernalists Jan Stoourt and Seven Caliber adn Aneta Sarkesan add Zoy Kwin. Jun Start and Stevon Coldbeer usde 2 hav tv shoes on Comady Sentral (MOAR LIEK COMMANEST SENTREL!) were they maed fun off conservativs and triked alota pepole my aeg 2 be libruls. Culber wuz prolly wors becuz he pritended 2 bee a consercatev in ordar 2 maek rite-ween pepole lok stooped. Tahts a reely meen thin 2 do wy wold aneone doo taht! Lukly they boht leeved Komedy Sentroll nao so hopfully mor yung pepole wil be conserbians. Aneata Snarkysam and Zoids Queen r 2 left-wang femanests who r tryen 2 distroy vido gaems and replas them with gams abot lesbans. Lukly Gamorgat is tryen 2 stap them. Butt 4 nao I wuz farced 2 wach as the for librul jernalists tolded a buncha lyes on there shoe until it wuz tim 4 tha jest 4 com on.  
"R geist 2nite is tha leeder off tha Smush Manshan and rular off Nintondo Wrold" sed Jin Stoart "Master Hung!"  
Sudanly Mister Hens flayed in and hovared ovar tha gest char becuz he dosant hav a but 2 sit in chars with.  
"So Muster Hanes ur hear 4 sumthin vary impotent" sed Steyhen Cilber.  
"Ya I wuz haven a lesban wedan at teh manshan becuz im tolerate liek that butthan a conservatev Christen gurl tred 2 stap it. Her naem is Sara Osborne" sed Maester Han. Zoi and Aneeta gapsed.  
"Shes teh greetest enemi off al lesbans!" sed Zue Kwan.  
"Ya I taked awey her vido gaems so she coldant get 2 Nintando Wrold" sed Antia Sorkinsan.  
"Well shes at teh manshan and is bean a homophone adn a bad persan so I gived her ditenshan" sed Mister Handy.  
"Grate" sed Jone Stweart.  
"Dont worey im sur Lauren and Kaety wil teech her 2 not bee hobophobic and mite evan get her 2 cum ota tha closat" sed Zoy Kwen. Bye taht they reely meened that Lauren adn Kairi wold rap me butt lesbans nevar giv awey there reel planes on tv.  
"Yes my luv than we can distroy vido gams ons and floral!" sed Anata Surkesan. Than Aneeta Sirkesan and Zeo Kwine startad maken ot witch wuz DISCUSSING and didant arose me atall ether in the storey watchen it or in reel lief thinken abot it and riten it becuz im nota lesban im strate. Aftar that tha 4 librul jernalists aksed Mastur Hanes sum otter kwestans and than tha shoe wuz ovar. I noed I wuz in dangar nao becuz evary lesban in the wrold wached that on nashunal tellahvishan. I had 2 thank abot wut I shold do.  
"Sara I hav a bluddy idea" I herd. Butt hoo sed taht? Fined ot next chaptar!


	9. CHAP 8: RETUNE 2 BRIAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara gos bak 2 Briten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wuz at Haleys hose yestardy agen. I tolded her that I wuz worred that no giys aksed me too homecumen and she sed she wold reely liek 2 go with me. At furst I thot that taken a gurl too homcumon would mak everone thank ima lesban 4 shur butthan I loked at her and sawed how pritty she wuz and coldant resits saiyan yes. I meen I no lotsa gurls who dont hav dats and just goo with there frends. My frend Olivia dosant hav a bofrend liek her oldar sitar Ashley dose so shes goen with a hug grope of her frends. Sins Haley gos 2 anotter skool I had 2 do sum paparwerk 2 breen her 2 me skull. Hopfully everone will no im stil strate becuz I clergy dont lok liek a lesban.
> 
> (Remember when I said there wouldn't be out-of-character author's notes on every chapter? Pretty funny, huh? Anyway, I wanted to say something that I probably should've said last chapter. The events of that last chapter are actually based on something I wanted to put in "The Reel Sekwel" but never found the right place to fit it in. I was going to have Master Hand go on The Colbert Report at some point in that story, since the show was in its final months at the time I was writing that story and was a major inspiration of my work. Just like how the creator of The Hot Topic Krew said their story is a crossover of My Immortal and Super Smash Bros., I'll say the Mishonh series is pretty much a crossover of My Immortal and The Colbert Report that happens to be set in the Smash universe. However, I was never able to fit the "Master Hand going on Colbert"in that story, one of many things I regret about The Reel Sekwel. So, I put a scene kinda like it in here. Also, while you're reading me ramble out-of-character, I'll say I've been playing Super Mario Maker. I've made and uploaded five courses so far, three of which aren't garbage. Here are the codes for the non-garbage ones if you want to try them: 24EA-0000-0019-1813, 4011-0000-0027-36F0, and C8C1-0000-003E-ABD4. It kinda sucks that my two bad ones seem to be getting the most plays right now)

CHAP 8: RETURD 2 BRITAN

"Sara I hav a bluddy idea" I heard. I turd arond and it wuz Sholk.  
"Wut iz it" I aksed.  
"In Briten we hav a bluddy jernalist who is vary gud at talken abot tha bad stuf that bluddy libruls do. We cold go their and getim 2 rite a bluddy storey abot Mister Hans" sed Sholk.  
"Tahts a greet idea!" I sed "butt im in ditenshun and Maestro Hank wont let me leev."  
"Did u bluddy try 2 get Gud Clon Sara 2 help" sed Sholk.  
"Ya butt Mustard Hind isnt fallen for taht agen" I sed.  
"And Ill juts tel him u leeved and wut ur plane is" sed Crapy Hond. I forgoted he wuz their.  
"Ill giv u munny 2 let me leaf" I sed.  
"Lol ur pore nao u dont hav munny" sed Creepy Ham. He wuz rite "aslo my bruther sed not 2 except bribs frum u."  
"Ono!" I sed. I didant no wut 2 do nao.  
"Dont worey Sara ill get teh otter Christen Smashars togeter and well tank off a plane 4 u to goto Briten" sed Sholk. He leeved.  
Latur taht nite Krazoa Hemp falled aslep at tha ditenshun rome desk and Mosher Hanes wuzant bak frum Noo Yirk yet. Sudanly Roi and Rio and Sholk and Lucina shoed up.  
"Hurray Sara! We need to goto Briten wile Crepe Hans is aslep!" yeled Ruy.  
"Ok" I sed.   
So I leeved tha rome with tha 4 Smashars and we wentad 2 tha areport. We al bot tickats on a flite 2 Keens Landen in Britan and gotted on tha plane. Hoevar they dont hav areports in Briten becuz plains arnt inventad ther yet so we were al givan parashoots and tolded 2 jump ot ovar teh sitty. Aftar we finashed skidiven we landad in tha midol off tha tone.  
"Ok nao we ned 2 fine taht jernalist u wer talkan abot were is his hose" I sed.  
"His bluddy naem is Miol Yanderepus and he dosant bluddy liv in a hose becuz their r no normel bluddy hoses in Briten. His bluddy cassel is this way. Everbuddy bluddy folo me" sed Sholk.  
"Ok" sed Me and Lucina and Riu and Ruy. Butt sudanly we were suronded bye nites and wizerds!  
"Ono!" I sed "wuts goen on!"  
"Im bluddy bak u wankars" I herd. I turd arond and sawed HAREY POTAR!!! He wuz bak frum teh ded expect nao he had a brown on his hed so he wuz nao KEEN OFF BRITEN!!!  
"Bluddy atak thos wankars!" he ordared tha nites and wizerds.   
"Bluddy ok ur mangasty" sed tha nites and wizerds. I noed a fite wuz abot 2 began. We wer otnumbar and it wuz reely dangaros. Wold we mak it ot ofit aliv and get to meat Malo Yampolice?


	10. CHAP 9: BATTEL WIHT HURRAY PARTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and frends muts fit Hary Potur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wuz taking 2 Haleys parrots yestarday wen I wuz at there hose and they tolded me sumthin taht confus me. I aksde them if they wer voten 4 Donled Turmp 4 precedent and they sed tehy were vot 4 sum guy naem Burny Sandoors. I loked at teh list off Republekens runen 4 presadent and he wuzant onett. Haleys parants r gud pepole so tehy woldant vot 4 a Demakrat so iz he sum thurd parity candedet or sumthin?
> 
> (Just here to bring up another Mario Maker level. This one was actually made by my sister when she was at my wife and I's apartment yesterday. It's actually a lot better than any courses I've made so far, so I guess I'll need to step my game up. Here's its ID if you want to try it for yourself: 0C83-0000-0044-5FB1)

CHAP 9: BATTAL WITH HAIRY POOTER

Sudanly al teh nites and wizords ataked us with there sords and majak. We had 2 fite bak. I usde marital arfs to hit tham. Lucina hited them wither sord and Riy usde his fiar sord and Sholk ussed teh Monsanto and Ruo did tha Hobbiton enurji atak and teh Sharpedocan ubercat atak. Their wer liek a milyan nites and wizerds eech so it taked a lon tim 2 kil them al. Wen tehy wer al ded Harey Perturb wuz vary angri.  
"Bluddy hall! U bluddy wankars kiled my nites and wizerds!" he sed "ILL WANK U RITE IN TEH BOLAX!!!" (Bolex iz anoter Britesh werd)  
He did sum majak atus butt we dogged it. So he preyed 2 Satin for moar powar and than growed fifty fett tal and had demanik wangs on his bak.  
"MWA! HA! HA!" he sed "U WANKARS WIL NEVAR BEET ME NAO!!!"  
We al tred r ataks on him butt they didant werk becuz he wuz a reely powarfel denim nao.  
"Ono!" I shatted.  
"Maybee wecan run awey" sed Rui. We tred taht butt Hari Poater flewed aftar us.  
"ULL NEVAR BLUDDY ESCAP!!!" he sed. He startad brethen firs atus butt we dogged tham. We runed all ovar Keens Landen with him chasen us butt we coldant get awey frum him.  
"This isant werkin" sed Lucina.  
"Lets tri 2 bluddy distract him with thus" Sholk sed. He puled ot a ketol off tee and pored sum 2 distract Harey Porker with becuz he wuz Britash. Butt Sholk wuz Britesh 2 so wen he sawed teh tee he jus pored he coldant resast drinken it himslef.  
"Ono!" he sed "I bluddy mesed up!"  
"Aney moar idas" I sed.  
"I gess Ill hav 2 us secrete wepon" sed Rye. He puled ot a Smosh Bale and braked it adn startad glowen. Than he runed up 2 Horny Poter and leeped in2 teh are and gotted reel clos.  
"SINE SORE TOUCAN!!!" he sed and usde his moast powarfel upercat and hitted Hernia Potar rite in his goy thin.  
"O BUGER (anotter Britesh werd)!!! U WANKARS BLUDDY HURT ME!!!" He sed and he felled 2 tha grond.  
"Sara! U no wut 2 doo!" Ryo throed me anotter Smush Bell and I braked it and actived my finale smash. Sins I wuz a supper strange angle nao I garbed Harey Potars lag and spined arond liek wut Maroi did 2 Boozer in Supper Maryo 69 and than throed him in2 tha waiter otsid off tha sitty (remamber frum taht batol at teh edn off sesan 2 off Gam off Throns). He droned insanely becuz demans cant swam. Than I walked ovar and piked up his cron frum teh grond.  
"Sholk u shold be keen nao becuz ur Britash" I sed.  
"I hav a bluddy betar idea" sed Sholk "we shold giv teh clown 2 Miley and maek him keen wen we c him becuz hes Britesh 2 adn I hav impotent stuf 2 do ass a Smashar."  
"Ok" I sed. So he puted teh cron in my purs and we startad walken 2 Melos casserole.


	11. CHAP 10: VISATAN MALOS CASOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and frends go2 Milfs Casal 2 aks 4 hlep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So homcumen is tomoro nite and im reely exited. I hop everone nos me and Haley aint lesbans becuz were goen in dreses and lesbans wold were soots. I sawed her dres and she loks relly pritty init. She tolded me I wuz pritty in my dres 2. It mad me vary hapey 2 here her say taht. I cant wate 2 dans wither tomoro. Off coarse my mom thanks were a cupol butt were not becuz WERE NOT LESBANS!!!

CHAP 10: VISITEN MEELOS CASSHOLE

Aftar folowen Sholk otsid off Keens Landon we were walken 4 awile untel we sawed a reely big cassel. It wuz mad off stons and had a maot ful off krookodiles and wuz suronded by big wals and wuz reely big. We wlaked up 2 it.  
"Hoo bluddy gos their" sed a gard.  
"Hi I hav sumthin impotent I ned 2 talk 2 Malo abot" I sed "I cam al teh way from Amerka and Nentadno Wrold."  
"Bluddy ok butt r u a lesban. Mr Yawnoplis doesnt lick bluddy lesban wankars and dosant want them insid his bluddy casol" sed teh gard.  
"Im nota lesban!" I sed.  
"Tahts bluddy grate ucan cum insid nao" sed tha gard. He lowared teh drabige 2 teh casserole and Me and Lucina and Rey and Rya and Sholk came insid. We wented 2 tha mane rome off tha casol and Mildred wuz drink tee.  
"Ello guvnuh. R aney off u bluddy lesbans" he sed.  
"NO IM NOTA LESBAN IM STRATE!!!" I sed.  
"Tats bluddy gud becuz I tolded teh gards not 2 let lesbans in my casal and if tehy wernt dong there bluddy jobs id hav 2 fiar tham and get noo gards" sed Mateo Yolopus "want sum bluddy tee."  
"Bluddy yes" sed Sholk becuz hes Britesh.  
"No" sed Me and Lucina and Ray and Rye becuz were not.  
So Miko pored sum tee 4 Sholk.  
"Ok y r u al bluddy hear" he sed aftar poren tee.  
"Furts ofal we defeeted Harey Potar so hes not keen anemore. Ucan be keen nao" I sed. I gived teh cron 2 Mylo and he puted it on his hed witch wuz gud becuz evan tho hes a gud guy who fites agenst teh librul soshalest justas warers his hare stil loks reely stooped and it wold be easer 2 tak him sirrusly if he covared it with sumthin liek a cron.  
"Joley gud sho" he sed "anethin bluddy eels."  
"Muster Hans is been a jurk and hes a swj. Can u rite a storey abot him" I sed.  
"Tahts a bluddy grate idea butt. U sed hes a librul soshel jewstas worrier rite" he sed.  
"Ya he is" I sed.  
"And bluddy libruls wership Satin" he sed.  
"Ya tehy do" I sed.  
"So Mystery Hanes muts bluddy wership Santa" he sed.  
"Wow taht maeks sens" I sed. I nevar thot abot taht! Melo wuz a reely gud jernalist.  
"Im gona rite a bluddy storey abot taht nao" he sed.  
"Grate" I sed "aslo can u rite on abot Lauren 2. Shes a lesban hoo keps tryen 2 turd me in2 a lesban and tels pepole a buncha lyes taht I alredy m 1."  
"A bluddy lesban?!?!?! Taht reely bluddy wanks my bolax! Ill rite a bluddy storey abot her 2" sed Molo.  
"Grate" I sed. Nao I noed I wold get my revang agenst Mustard Hens and Lauren wen Mileys storeys gotted 2 tha intranet. Butt nao I had 2 retune 2 tha manshan becuz Mastur Hands wold get upsat if I wuzant in ditenshun wen he gotted bak frum Noo Yerk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just want to end with a note that, although this story is usually meant to be wrong about everything, I think I captured the rigorousness with which Milo Yiannopolous checks his stories for accuracy pretty well, and how well he vets his sources for said stories. I mean, he once wrote an article accusing a biracial guy of faking being half-black and, not only was the article a blatantly dishonest hit piece, his source for said article turned out to be a literal fucking terrorist. Also Milo's hair really is stupid and he's one of very few people who actually would look like less of a douchebag if he covered it by putting a huge, ornate crown on his head. In case you couldn't tell, I don't like Mr. Yiannopolous very much. And I'm sure the feeling would be mutual if he knew of my existence, since he really hates both left-wingers and lesbians, despite being a gay man himself. The only inaccuracy about his feelings towards lesbians in this chapter is that he says that we "really wank his bollocks", which I'm sure anyone with a basic understanding of British English would know is highly unlikely.)


	12. CHAP 11: THA STARY ABOT MAESTER HAN ADN LAUREN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moister Honda reds Nilos storey and gets reely mad at Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homcumen wuz reely fun! Me and Haley dansed togetter alot and at sum tim at teh dans we wented togeter 2 tha batroom and she kised me BUT NOT IN A LESBAN WAY!!! ITS NUMEL 2 KIS UR FRENDS IN SUM CONTRYS LIEK FRANS!!! AND WE DIDANT HAV SAX SO IT STIL DOSANT CONT AS LESBANS!!! AND ASLO WE DONT LOK MANELY LIEK LESBANS DO (EXPECT 4 LAUREN WHO DOSANT LOK MANELY BUTT TAHTS BECUZ SHE TRED 2 TRIK ME IN2 THINKEN SHE WUZ STRATE SO ID BE FRENDS WITHER AND SHE COLD RAP ME. ASLO KAETY DOSANT LOK MANELY BUTT SHE DOSANT CONT ETHER BECUZ SHES LAURENS GURLFREND AND TEHY BOHT WANA RAP ME)!!! IM NOTA LESBAN!!! That kis maed me fel reely gud and hapey and excite! I want 2 do taht wither al teh tim!Its liek wen I did taht with Lauren expect Lauren wuz a lesban who wuz jus tryen 2 trik me in2 bean a lesban 2 BUTT IM NOTA LESBAN!!! Haley iz a reel frend tho.
> 
> (And the Seahawks lose again. The Browns have a better record than them right now, something that Jenny was quick to text me as soon as the game was over. This story will almost certainly be done by then, but I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it if the Browns actually beat the Seahawks on the Sunday before Christmas. At least the Ducks were able to convincingly crush their small, unranked opponent this week, Jenny! The #1 Team in the Nation can barely beat Meryn Fookin' Trant... I mean Northern Fucking Illinois?)

CHAP 11: TEH STOREY ABOT MISTER HANES AND LAUREN

Wen we gotted bak 2 tha manshan Mustard Hank stil wuzent bak witch wuz gud. He prolly stoped 2 eet sumthin aftar the shoe and maybee had a dely at teh arport. Aslo Czary Hond was stil aslep so I wuz abel 2 get bak in2 ditenshun liek noting evar hapaned. Teh naxt day tho Mister Hands flewed in2 tha rome loken vary upsat.  
"Sara! Hav u ben snekin ot agen?" he sed.  
"No!" I lyed.  
"Wel than explan thes!" He puled ot a commuter taht wuz on Bratbarf teh websat taht Melo werks 4. Teh artikol wuz alredy up. Mystar Hens startad redin it ot lod.  
"Mauser Hung iz a Satin-warshipen librul wanker adn Lauren iz a bluddy evul lesban. Buy Keen Milton Nyanoctopus" Maestro Hemp reded teh titol "yestarday a bluddy gud strate Christen gurl naemed Sara Osborne came 2 my cassel and tolded me taht bluddy Meter Hind wuz a wankar who puted her in bluddy ditenshun. Sins hes a bluddy librul he muts wership Santana. Moster Hanes iz teh bluddy rular off Nintando Word butt he sholdant bee becuz hes a bluddy librul. Aslo she tolded me abot a bluddy lesban named Lauren Travers who livs in Soth Carelina and keps bluddy tryen 2 rap her. Heres a pictar off Laurens bluddy hose and her bluddy adress if u want 2 bluddy stop her. Aslo my frend Sara maed me keen so shes bluddy grate and u shold bluddy be nise 2 her u wankars."  
I wuz so hapey! It wuz teh beast jernalizum I evar reeded evan betar than Fax Noose. Butt Meister Hans wuzant hapey atall.  
"Taht storey iz ful off lyes!" he sed "I dont wership Satin and Lauren izant tryen 2 rap u! And nao lotsa pepole on teh intranet no were she livs and can haras her! U mite hav ruaned taht pore gurls life with ur stoopedity! If it wuz just a storey abot me Id jus giv u moar ditenshun 4 taht! Butt u had 2 get taht Malo guy 2 atak Lauren 2 witch is just ron Sara! For taht Iv had enuff off u!"  
And he garbed me and throed me vary hard in2 teh ski! I kept flyen and flyen farter and farter untel I wuz in OTTER SPAS!!! I fled passed Teh Moan and Tha Son and than all teh plants: Meerkaty and Venice and Erth agen and Mark and Juniper and Satan andur Anus and Nicktoon and Plato (evan tho teh librul medea and lyen siantests say Plato izant a plant anemore. If it izant a plant hao wer tehy abol 2 send a spas ship 2 it 2 taek pictars tho? Explan taht libruls!) and than I wuz ot off tha seller sistem. And sudanly I sawed a BLAK HOAL!!!  
"ONO!!!" I shatted "SUMON HALP!!!"  
I hopped I shatted lode enuf 4 sumon 2 here me becuz I wuz reely far awey frum everthin and didant want 2 go2 tha balk hol becuz blake hols r mad bye Satin 2 kil Christens who try 2 spred Gods werd 2 teh allens in spas. I woldve preyed butt God and Jesas wer captar agen so noone cold here my preyrs. Hao wold I escap teh blak hoal?! Fined ot next tim!


	13. CHAP 12: RISKUE FRUM OTTER SPAS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara iz rescoo frum otter spas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so their wuz a storey in teh noos a bit ago abot sum Muzlom kid who breened a bom 2 skule and sed it wuz a clok. Wy r Muzlams alod 2 breen bums 2 skool butt Christens arent aloed 2 breen guns? Tha secant commandment sez taht we hav teh rite 2 bare arms and aslo Muzloms r terrariasts so tehy sholdant hav boms in teh furst plas becuz thed us them 2 kil pepole. And nao teh libruls r beleeven tha storey taht it wuz a clok? Wy wold u ned to breen cloks 2 skool thers alredy cloks in evary rome? USE UR BRIAN LIBRUL SJW MORANS!!!
> 
> (One of the greatest regrets I have of making Sara a hardcore fundamentalist Christian is that it seems to imply that only Christians, or only people with religion in general, can be stupid assholes, when that's obviously not true. Lots of "le euphoric" militant atheists can be just as douchey, and just as backwards on most issues, as the most hardcore religious fundamentalists. Hell, there's quite a few atheists on Youtube with thousands of subscribers, sometimes over a million, who despise women's rights more than the most radical cleric in Saudi Arabia. And, of course, there are lots of people in every religion who are decent people, too. Why am I bringing this up? Partly because that Muslim kid who got arrested for bringing a clock he made to school to show off his science skills was not just attacked by Christian right-wingers, but by several well-known hardcore atheists like Richard Dawkins and Bill Maher as well. But I'm also bringing this up because some people think the message of these stories is "all religion is bad, and atheism is superior in every way and can do no wrong", when that isn't what I meant to say at all. If anything, atheist right-wingers can be even more annoying than religious ones because they think opposing religion automatically makes them left-wing. Some even call themselves "progressives" or even "socialists" while spending far more of their time attacking genuine left-wingers with derisive names like "SJW", which these days basically means "anyone to the left of Mussolini", than they do attacking the right. If they even mock right-wingers at all. If I created Sara today, she'd be an atheist who, instead of saying things like "Im nota lesban! Im strate becuz ima Christen! Gurls r reely pritty tho...", says things like "Im nota conservativ! Im librul becuz ima Athist! Butt femanotzee soshal justas wariers r tryen 2 distroy r tradishuns and put stuf liek womans and homosexals in r vido gams and muts be stoped tho. Aslo I cant be saxest agenst womans becuz ima women! Nut Ur Sheeld!". The notion that women can't be misogynistic is also bullshit, obviously, but women-hating groups like GamerGate always try to paint themselves as not being hate groups by pointing to the few token women on their side)

CHAP 12: RESCU IN OTTER SPAS

So their I wuz abot 2 go in2 a blak hoal and dye in otter spas.  
"Sumon halp!" I shatted agen. I thot I wuz gona dye for shur butthan sudanly teh Cumet Obscuratory frum Supper Maryo Gastly shoed up and sum Loomas puled me in. I wuz save! Wen I goted on tha spas ship I runed in2 Roselia witch maeks sens becuz its her spas ship and aslo Lucina and Ryo and Ruy and Sholk and Marik and Loogee and Petch and Doktar Mayo so it wuz alota tha Christen Smashars.  
"Yay! Im save!" I sed "I thot I wuz gona dye! Tanks pepole!"  
"Ya we sawed Mister Hans thro u in2 otter spas so we all goted on my spas ship 2 get u becuz spas is dangeros" sed Roselena.  
"Ino its dangeros I almos dyed" I sed "hao did u fine me with hao big spas is."  
"We herd u screm becuz theres no gravy in spas 2 kep tha sond wavs don so they go reely far their" sed Ruy.  
"Tahts coal" I sed.  
"Nao we ned 2 get bak 2 Erth" sed Lucina.  
"Butt if I go bak 2 tha manshan than Masher Hanes wold just thro me in2 spas agen" I sed.  
"Tahts a problam" sed Luweegee.  
"Ino!" sed Dicktar Maori "wy dont u tel Fax Nooz abot Nastier Hens throen u in2 spas and get him fiared. U cold tel Molo agen butt Bretbarf dosant retch enuff pepole compar 2 Fux Noise."  
"Tahts a grate idea!" I sed. I noed Docker Mateo had 2 bee reely smart becuz he wuz a duktar.  
"Lets go fine Rupture Murdork. Hes teh leder off Fix Noose and he livs in Austria" sed Rye. Austria iz a town in Germeny were everone sonds Britash butt not exakly Britesh becuz they hav sum otter werds they say and aslo they ressel krookodiles and eet at otbak stakehose and hav reely big nifes and theres kongaros and bonerangs and stuf their 2.  
So we taked tha spas ship 2 erth and landad otsied otbak stakehose in Austria. Their wuz alota kangaros praked in tha parken lat insted off kars. On off tha kangaros had alota gold jewry and stuf onett liek a famus raper. I noed onely on persan in Austria wuz ric enuff 2 aford that much stuf 4 his kangaro so Rubber Mordor had 2 bee eetin their rite nao. We al wented insid and sawed him eetin shremp of of a Barbey doll (becuz shremp on teh Barby iz wut Austrians eet alot).  
"Hi r u Ripper Marshtomp?" I sed.  
"Guhday maet!" he sed. Tahts hao they say hi in Austria "yes I m. Wut can I bluddy do 4 u sheela." (sheela iz teh Austrian werd 4 a gurl)  
"I ned Fax Nose 2 do a storey abot Mustard Hans becuz hes a jurk who throed me in2 spas 4 not been a soshal justas waryer liek him" I sed.  
"Criky (anotter Austrian werd)! Ur rite! He is a bluddy jurk! Ok Ill bluddy halp u sheela" he sed. Than me and him and all teh Christen Smashars wented otsid and climed in2 tha pooch off Roper Mirdaks kongaroo and it leeped frum Austria 2 Amarkia and landad otsid teh Fux Nows hedcorters.


	14. CHAP 13: TEH BATAL AT FUX NOSE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fite hapans at Fxo Nwes hedcorters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So at lunc 2day at scule I wuz eetin with sum otter pepole in tha crapateria and on off tham aksed me hao lon me and my gurlfrend had ben daten. I didant no wut thye ment becuz Im nota lesban and than I reelized they thot me and Haley wer lesbans! Wy wold they thank taht? Were nota lesban cuple! Im strate! And I no shes strate 2 becuz shes a reel frend and isant tryen 2 rap me!
> 
> (One of the downsides of daily updates is that, since the story in the author's notes happens in real time, I often have to provide filler so that important events don't constantly happen one day after another. You can see these "filler notes" in the original Mishonh From God, The Reel Sekwel, and even Atak on Titen Hi Scule! (the exclamation point is indeed part of the title). So, I figured I'd have to put filler like that in here eventually)

CHAP 13: THA BATTOL AT FAX NOOSE

Wen we wented in2 tha Fux Nose hedcorters we notased sumthin wuz vary weerd. It wuz vary quite and their wuz noone arond. I didant no were everone wented. It was aslo vary drak insid. Aftar wondaren arond 4 abit tho I herd sum noses cumin frum on off the romes. I opaned a dore and sawed taht SAEN HANOTY AND BILE ORALLY AND A BUNCHA OTTER PEPOLE WER TYED AP WITH DICK TAPE ON THERE MOTHS!!!  
"Wut hapan?!" I sed.  
"Ill anser taht" I herd a women say witha Mexakan aksent. I turd arond and sawed MEGON KELY WITH A SOMBARO ON HER HED!!!  
"Wuts bluddy goen on sheela?" sed Rapert Mirdak butthan Meganium Kirlia tyed him up and throed him in The Room with teh otter Fux Nose pepole.  
"I noed sumthin wuz ron with u becuz wenevar I usde 2 see u on tha tv ud maek me feal lesban thots and than u sed bad thins abot Doneld Tramp so I noed u coldant bee a reel conservativ" I sed.  
"Tahts rite Ima librul lesban" she sed. Than she wipe tha makup frum her fase and reveled taht she wuzant evan a wite woman atall. SHE WUZ A MEXAKAN!  
"Ono!" I sed becuz lesbans alredy luv rapen strate gurls and Donold Turmp sed Mexakans liek 2 rap pepole 2 so been a combanashun of boht of thos thins muts meen Megun Kally wold want 2 rap me evan moar than a normel lesban wold.  
"ASLO IMA ILLEGOL IMAGRANT!!!" she sed "I cum from Mexako with my gurlfrend 2 hav lotsa ankar babeys and becuz were both womens we can both hav wooms so we can both get preggant frum lesban sax with ech otter and hav twis as maney babeys as a strate cuple. Aslo were gona get maryed becuz tahts legol nao."  
"Wy do u werk 4 Fax Nus if ur a librul lesban inedible imogrant?" I sed.  
"Becuz I want 2 shat them done and maek a noo nooz chanel taht is evan moar librul than tha librul medea and iz fulof soshal justas wariers liek me!" sed Moogle Kely.  
"Ill stap u!" I sed. I runed at her butt she noked me asid.  
"U cant stap me! I hav Satin and Brock Obaka on my sid!" she sed.  
"She mite not be abol 2 stap u! Butt I can!" I herd. Sudanly Tonald Dump runed in.  
"Ha! U cant beet me ether!" she sed.  
"Tahts wer ur ron!" sed Trimp. Than he wented supper sayen liek in Dagon Ballz. Butt Mega Kiley stil wuzant scarred.  
"Ha! Do u no wy I hav bland hare evan tho ima Mexakan?" she sed "BECUZ IM ASLO A SUPPER SAYEN!!!"  
Than Dental Tormp and Mugen Kely startad shatten enurji ataks and ech otter and punchen and stuf and sun tehy flyed ot of that bilden and startad fitten threw tha sitty and distroy everthin. It wuz a reely epac fite butt evantully Tripe wan.  
"Melon Kaly! Ur fiared!" sed Duneld Tramp (c wut I did their? "ur friared?" pritty funey rite?). Than he throed her al teh way bak 2 Mexako.  
"Yay! We wan!" I sed "Tanks Dineld Twerp."  
"Dont menton it" he sed. Butthan sudanly Barak Obaba and Lauren and Kaety and a buncha otter libruls shoed up holden thos itoms frum supper smash bras taht frez u wen u thro tham!!! They throed tham atus and Me and Tromp and Lucina and Riy and Rye and Sholk and Grooselina and Maryo and Loogey and Doktar Maro and Petch WER AL FROZAN IN ISE!!! HAO WOLD WE ESCAP?!?!


	15. CHAP 14: TEH FOOTURD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara waks up a thosand yeers in tha futur. Wut has chang?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iv ben redin sum stuf abot wuts goen on in otter contries and did u no Rusha izant comanest anemore? It turds ot tehy havant ben sins b4 I wuz evan borne! I thot they wer stil comeys butt actoly there doen alota gud stuf 2 stap teh gay ajenda and feminizum their. If anethin, Amarkia shold copay Rusha if we want 2 stap teh soshal justas wariers.
> 
> (This isn't really related to this author's note, but you may have noticed a few chapters back that Lauren's last name was revealed to be "Travers". It's semi-relevant because it's mentioned again in this chapter. I actually have canonical surnames for most of the original characters who are only referred to by their first names in the story. If you're curious, they're full names include "Becky Sutherland", "Katy Mancini", "Chloe Russell", "Emily O'Neil", "Ashley and Olivia Li", and "Haley Fisher". And, while we're at it, Mr. Johnson's first name is "Christopher", Sara's parents first names are "Scott" and "Lisa", and Mr. Sanderson's first name is "Bob" (If you don't remember who he is, he was Sara's math teacher who only appears in the first chapter of "The Reel Sekwel". I was going to have him be a recurring "villain" like Mr. Johnson was, but the one "joke" of his character was that he was black so Sara depicted him racistly in her story, so I'm glad I decided against keeping that "joke" going. Beyond that, he'd just have been a rehash of Mr. Johnson). I think that covers all of the characters whose full names I didn't reveal the full names of at any point).

CHAP 14: TEH FUTUR

Wen I wuz unfrozan I loked arond and everthin wuz al futury and stuf and aslo there wer gyant statoos off Lauren everwere. Sudanly sum gurl walked up 2 me. She loked reely pritty butt had gren hare becuz sjws alweys liek 2 die there hare weerd colars.  
"Hi its a thosand yeers in tha futur wana hav lesban sax?" she sed.  
"NO IM NOTA LESBAN!" I sed.  
"Wut ur nota lesban?" she sed "butt everones a lesban sins Presadent Lauren Travers maed strateness illegol a thosand yeers ago and Vise Presadent Aneeta Sharknadosan kiled all teh mens. Im gona cal teh polite if u dont hav lesban sax with me!"  
"No stey awey!" I sed. I runed ovar and unfrezed Doneld Tromp and teh Christen Smashars.  
"Wuts goen on?" sed Ruy.  
"Were in tha futur and everone is lesbans!" I sed.  
"Ono!" They al sed.  
"Quack! We ned 2 go2 my hellcopter" sed Donold Tramp.  
"But its a thosand yeers in tha futur woldant sumon hav steeled it?" I sed.  
"No becuz I had my kees in my pockat wen I wuz frozan" he sed.  
"Ok" I sed. So we al gotted in2 Dinner Twerps hellcopter and taked of in2 tha ski.  
"Wer r we goen" sed Lucina.  
"Wer goen 2 Rusha" sed Tronald Derp "Im shur thell no hao 2 stap lesbans."  
So we taked tha hellcopter 2 Rusha and landad otsid tha Kremling (witches wer tha presodant off Rusha livs) and noked on tha dore. Valdamer Pootin tha precedent off Rusha ansared.  
"Helo" sed Voldemort Poontang.  
"Hi do u no hao to stap teh lesbans?" I aksed.  
"U sond Amarkan hao do I no ur nota lesban?" he sed.  
"Becuz im nota lesban!" I sed.  
"Shes rite shes strate" sed Denald Trimp.  
"Wate ur Dunold Termp! I thot u vanashed a thosand yeers ago!" sed Poopin.  
"I wuz frozan with Sara and thes vido gaem caracters" sed Tripe.  
"Ok so ur prolly all confus abot wy everone in tha futur is lesbans" sed Poutine "becuz Danal Turmp wuz frozan he didant becum presadent and so Lauren winned tha erection off 2016 insted with Aneeta Sarkesan ass her vise presadent. Than they maed it illegol 2 be strate or 2 be mail so sins all teh mens and tha strate pepole wer ded everone in Amercia wuz lesbans. And they concured tha antire wrold expect 4 Rusha. And nao Lauren adn Kairis decedents rool Amurka 2 thes day."  
"Ono!" I sed "we hav 2 do sumthin."  
"Maybe we can go 2 Japen and fine a tim masheen 2 go bak in tim and stop lesbans from concuren tha wrold" sed Rye.  
"Tahts a gud idea" I sed. Becuz Japen iz wer al teh technoloogey cums from so they prolly had a tim masheen.  
"Butt Japen wuz aslo concured bye tha lesbans so it wil be vary hard 2 get tha tim masheen from there" sed Putain.  
"Butt we hav 2 tri!" I sed.  
"Tahts rite! Ill stay hear with Pootan 2 cum with a plane" sed Tremp "Sara taek tha Smashars and go 2 Japen."  
"Ok" I sed. So me and tha Smashars who wer withus wented 2 Japen.


	16. CHAP 15: TEH JAPENESS LESBANS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara gose 2 Japen 2 get tha tim masheen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sum weerd stuf hapaned 2day. Haley caled me and sed she had 2 talk abot sumthin vary impotent. Wen I goted 2 her hose she aksed me if I thot she wuz jus a replasment 4 Lauren. Tahts weerd becuz I nevar tolded her abot Lauren b4 becuz I thot she wold get scarred that Lauren wold rap her if she spended tim with me. Than she tolded me that she neded tim alon 2 thank becuz she didant no wut wuz reel in her lief anemore. Than I wented hoam and my mom sed she taked 2 God butt God loked vary difrant frum wut she wuz excepting. She sed taht God wants me 2 admet ima lesban witch is hao I no my mom is lyen becuz God wold nevar want me 2 do taht! Aslo my ise creem wuz gong! It wuz cokey doe my favrit! My mom sed God taked it butt she has tobe lyen! Shes prolly taked it and eeted it!

CHAP 15: THA JAPONES LESBANS

So Me and Lucina and Rey and Ryi and Sholk and Roselia and Marty and Lugia and Patch and Dr Mayo walkad frum Rusha 2 Japen and wen we gotted there we were insanely ataked bye Japenass lesban nunjas and sameris! I usde my marital arts and Roid used his fiar sord and Lucina used her normel sord and Sholk used tha Morondo and Rosenia shat loomas and Maryo and Loogey shat furballs and Peech shat turdaps and Doktar Marik shat piles. We fot teh lesbans butt moar and moar keeped cumin. Than all off a sudan tehy staped.  
"Melanie-sama" tehy sed. Thay stud asid 2 let on Japones lesban thro.  
"Melanie-sama? I like the sound of that," sed tha leder off tha lesbans. She wuz shrot and tiney asen gurl and had stooped glasas and a big noes liek Kaety and...  
"That's enough," she sed "My glasses aren't stupid. My wife's an optometrist, so I know how to make sure of that. Can't stop a bullet like Jenny's probably could, but honestly glasses that thick would just be overcorrecting on me. I will admit it, though, that it kinda sucks that pretty much the only thing I inherited from my white mom was this big Italian nose. Not exactly my best feature. Mario here knows what I'm talking about."  
"Wut r u talken abot?" I sed.  
"Oh, right. I need to get to the point," sed teh lesban leder "Listen, Sara, you're about one round of highly-stupid time-traveling hijacks away from your final battle now. It's time for some self-reflection."  
"Slef refraction? Tahts on off tha thins my mom sez 4 me 2 doo wen she wants me 2 be a lesban. And ur a lesban 2! U want me 2 be a lesban dont u!" I wuzant gona fale 4 her trikes.  
"I won't deny that I love the taste of vagina as much as you do. Just like we both like cookie dough ice cream," sed tha lesban.  
"Im nota lesban! And hao did u no I liek cokay doe?" I sed.  
"I totally didn't abuse my omnipotent authorial powers to go to your apartment and take your ice cream, if that's what you're implying," sed tha lesban "Also you should really try Americone Dream some time. I know affording the expensive stuff like Ben & Jerry's is hard for you right now, and you probably don't want to have ice cream with Stephen Colbert on it, but it is really good."  
"Ur jus tryen 2 distrac me so u can rap me!" I sed. I runed ather butt she noked me asid.  
"Well, I think our little discussion is done. You're not going to remember most of this anyway," she sed "but there's one thing I want to stay with you. Right before your final battle, check this story again. Take a good look at your account. Here's the time machine that you somehow walked across the largest continent on Earth in just an hour or so to get."  
She handad me tha tim masheen and sudanly me and tha Christen Smashars wer telportad bak 2 Rusha.


	17. CHAP 15: GOON BACH IN TIM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara gose bak in tim 2 tha barf off chris 2 stap Bark Omaha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tred talkan 2 Haley yestarday butt shes in a bad mode 4 sum resin I dont undarstand and she dosant want 2 take 2 me. Aslo my mom wuz acten weerd 2. And my cokey do ise creem wuz gong! My mom sed she didant eet it butt she mutts be lyen! Noone eels livs in r apratment! I strummed of 2 Ashley and Olivias hose and uploded this their.
> 
> (Yeah, sorry about being late on this. Hopefully this second chapter makes up for it. Full discloure: I was going to post two chapters anyway, just like back in Chapter 3, and all I did after getting home was add this little note.)

CHAP 15: GOEN BAK IN TIM

I hadant evan leeved 4 Japen yet wen sudanly I notased I had a tim masheen rite in my hans.  
"Well taht wuz eesy" I sed. I didant no were I gotted it frum. I wented insid 2 meat with Malamar Putrid and Dunkald Tramp.  
"We goted tha tim masheen" I sed.  
"Grate!" sed Tump. Than sumthin hapaned on tha tv scren in The Room.  
"Ono! Its tha tim rader!" sed Poutine "It sez Oboma is go bak in tim 2 stap tha burth off Jesas!"  
"Ono!" I sed "we hav 2 stap him!"  
"Rite" sed Lucina "If Jesas isant bored than humenity wont be sav and everone wil go2 hill wen they dye."  
"Ok so lets us tha bluddy tim masheen" sed Sholk.  
I presed sum butans and Me and tha Smashars and Puten and Tromp wer al sented bak in tim.  
"Ello guvnuh watar u doen in my bluddy hose u wankars" I herd wen we gotted bak in tim.  
"Who r u" I sed.  
"Im teh bluddy Zar off Rusha" sed tha guy. I wondared wy tha Zar had a Britash aksent butt than I remambered taht everone in tha tim b4 Amanda wuz fondled had Britesh aksents (Jus wach aney movey abot tha Ramen Empyor and ull c they al hav Britesh aksents evan tho Roam iz in Itoly).  
"Ok Mr Zar guy wut day isit toady" I sed.  
"Its Desembor 23 off tha bluddy yeer 1 ad. Jesas wil be bored in 2 bluddy dyas" he sed.  
"Tanks" I sed. Than I had 2 get 2 were Jesas wold be borne.  
"Nao were do we go?" sed Maryo.  
I thot 4 a minuet and than sed "Jesas moms naem iz tha Virjin Marey! Virjins are pepole frum tha stat off Virjina! So tahts wer Jesas wil be borne."  
"Off coarse!" sed Tramp "becuz Jorge Wussinton wuz aslo frum Vagina so thats we he and Jesas wer frends and fondue Amarkia togetter."  
"Rite!" I sed "nao we ned 2 taek a hellcopter or a plain 2 Amirka."  
"lol hellocapters and plans havent been bluddy invanted yet" sed tha Zar "u ned 2 taek bluddy hoarses."  
"Ok can we hav sum off ur hoarses becuz ur tha Zar and prolly hav alot" I sed.  
"Bluddy ok" sed teh Zar.  
"Tanks Zar!" I sed "aslo remamber 2 wach ot 4 comanasts!"  
"Ok Ill bluddy remamber 2 do taht" sed tha Zar. So Me and the Smashars and Tripe and Putain al wentad 2 tha staples and gotted on hoarses and begined riden tham 2 Virjina 2 stap Obaba. Sudanly I notased Pootin had a crone on his hed nao.  
"Wy do u hav a cron on ur hed Puten?" I aksed.  
"Becuz u warn tha Zar abot comanizum tha Rushan reevaluation nevar hapaned and so Rusha stil has a Zar. So im tha Zar of Rusha bak in modarn tims and aslo the futur nao" sed Poutine.  
"Tahts coal" I sed.  
So we all continud riden tords Amerka.


	18. CHAP 16: TRAVOLEN 2 AMERKYA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and frends go 2 Vagina 2 stap Ovama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Haley startad talken 2 me agen. Tahts gud. She sed sum crazey ladey shoed up and sed sum stuf abot me and it maed her thank. Butt she reelized taht she reely car abot me regradles off wether or note tha crazey ladey wuz who she sed she wuz. Haley iz a relly gud frend liek taht and I car abot her alot 2.
> 
> (Well, at least the Seahawks finally won. Stupid Utah. You Mormons already inflicted Mitt Romney and Stephenie Meyer on us. Haven't we suffered enough? At least the Oregon players got to deal with their sorrows by drinking alcohol and having premarital sex. And maybe some caffeine. All while wearing normal underwear)

CHAP 16: TRAVELEN 2 AMURKA

We wer ridan tords Amerkia butt it wuz a reely lon rid acros the wrold frum Rusha. Espeshully sins hoarses r much slowar then hellocopters and cant fli. Aslo there wuzant alota plases 2 stop becuz it wuz tha distent passed so there wernt alota plases with pepole yet. Sudanly wen we wer ridan alon we herd a rore.  
"Rore" sed tha roren thin. I turd arond and saw a TIRANUS RAX RUNEN AFTAR US!!! I FORGOTTED TAHT IT WUZ THA PAST SO THEIR WUZ STIL DINSORES!  
"Ono!" I sed.  
"Wut iz it?" sed Riy.  
"Lok behide us!" I sed. So everone eels turd arond and sawed tha Tornadus Rox runen aftar us.  
"Ono!" sed everone.  
"Butt arnt anemals Gods cretures so they wold be on r sid?" Lucina sed "remamber in tha last storey wen I wuz a lesban and thos anemals savde u from me."  
"O yea" I sed. So maybee we wernt in dangar. Butt than tha Tornanus runned closar and tred 2 bit us.  
"No! Shes ron!" sed Maryo "moast anemals r Gods cretures butt dinsores wershiped Satin witch iz wy God kild tham."  
"Ono!" I sed. We had 2 rid fatter. Butt tha Tiredanus wuz 2 fats we coldant escap. It wuz rite on r tale no matar wut we did!  
"Rore" it sed agen.  
"Let me handol thes" sed Poontang. He puled ot a Rushan nook and throed it at tha dinsore and hited it rite betwine the eeys. Tha nook explod and maed a reely big moshrome clod.  
"Rore" sed tha dinsore ass it felled ovar ded frum tha nook.  
"Tanks Putain!" I sed.  
"Dont menton it" he sed. We keeped riden and fot sum moar dinsores alon tha wey butt eventully we retched tha coloney off Virjina. Wen we goted 2 Vagina we sawed Bark Obameh talken 2 tha Version Maery.  
"U shold go 2 Planed Parrothod and get an aberration" he sed.  
"BUTT IMA BLUDDY CHRISTEN U WANKAR!!!" she sed.  
"Lol u sholdant beleev in God hes not reel" sed Obsama "u shold be a Muzlom Athist and wership Satin liek me."  
"Wy shold I bluddy doo taht?" she sed.  
"Becuz Santa lets u hav al teh lesban sax u want and dosant jug u 4 it" he sed.  
Ono! Everone nos gurls r so much pritter then bois becuz God iz tryen to test womens 2 see if well stay strate aneway so thes agreement mite of been convinsen enuff.  
"Dont do it!" I sed "wen ur son iz bored hell be Jedis and saev everone and wershipen Satin and getin an aberration and been a lesban wil get u sented 2 Hell!"  
"Ok Ill be strate" she sed "and aslo I wont get an aberration."  
"Grr!!! My planes hav been defeet!" sed Obaba "I shold off noed ud be hear 2 stap my evul planes!"  
"Gud wil alweys defeet evul!" I sed.  
"Tahts wut u thank!" sed Obaka. He runed ovary and presed butons on my tim masheen and sudanly me and tha Smashars and Pootin and Tramp wer telported 2 a battolfeld in Word War 2!


	19. CHAP 17: WROLD WAR 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara fites in a battol off Word Wra 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sins this chaptar iz abot histrary that I gotted a litol ron in my prevos storeys I shold coract sum thins. Furst of all we wernt fitten al off Asea in Wrold War 2 we wer jus fitten Chena (witch iz wat Mosey Dong akshully rooled). Aslo Germeny and tha Savet Onion wernt tha saem contry (I thot Hitlor and Stallion wer tha saem guy becuz they wer both evul comanests who had moosetuches). Tha Sobriety Orion wuz akshully Rusha and I dont thank they did anethin in Word War 2. I hop taht cleered up sum confusen from my furts storey!

CHAP 17: WROLD WAR 2

Sudanly we al apred on a baot rite b4 d-dae (I thenk its caled d-dae becuz tahts tha grad I gotted on my test onit) with sum solders. We wer on a Amerkan ship witch wuz maed off medal and powared bye a boat engin and there wer alota sheps liek it. Butt there wuz aslo sum Britesh shaps witch wer maed off wod and powared by sales and tehy wer helpin us becuz tha Britesh wer on r sid duren tha war. On off tha solders walkad up 2 me.  
"Hi Im ur grate gradpa" he sed.  
"Hi Grape Gardpa Matthews!" I sed. I noed he had 2 bee my Grate Granpa Matthews becuz my otter grate grappas wer fitten the Chinass in tha Specific Oshan.  
"Wut am I doen in modarn tims?" he aksed.  
"U dyed wen I wuz elven becuz u wer reely old and stuf" I sed.  
"OMG taht sux!" he sed.  
"Hay wana lissen 2 sum Taylur Swaft?" I sed. He lieked old persan muzak and not gud muzak wen I noed him butt he wuzant an old persan yet duren tha war so he prolly lieked gud muzak bak than.  
"Ok" he sed. So I gotted ot my fone and leted him lissan 2 Bad Blud bye Tailer Swoft. Butthan sudanly Genital Isenhoer and Genital Patent and Winson Churl (who wuz Keen off Briten bak than) shoed up.  
"Ok everone nao we ned 2 tel u tha bluddy plan" sed Churkle.  
"We ned 2 maek a amfibean asalt on tha Bitches of Normalcy" sed Genital Isinwhore.  
"Taht mens wen r baots retch land we ned 2 jump ot and pritend 2 be forgs so taht tha Germens dont atak us" sed Genital Splatoon.  
"Yes sur" sed al tha solders. So we landad and jump ot off r baots.  
"Ribbet" sed me and almos al my frends and the Amerkan solders. We startad jumpen acros tha beech liek frugs. We loked ovar 2 see if we wer triken tha Germens.  
"Shold we shat tham?" a Germen solder sed to tha Germen genital.  
"Nine! Thes r jus frog. Wy wold we shit forgs? Ur stooped!" sed teh Germen genital.  
"Bluddy ribbet!" sed tha Britash solders and Sholk and Wingman Chuckle.  
"Wut? Fargs dont say bluddy ribbet they just say ribbet! Thes muts be tha gud guys cumin 2 defeet us!" sed tha Germen genital.  
So with r covar blon we al had 2 fite tha Germens. I ataked tha Germens with my fitten skils and Lucina usde her sord and Roi usedh is fiar sord and Rio used his Habitation adn Slurican ataks and Sholk use tha Toronto and Maro and Luge jumped on tha Germens heds and Dr Marik gived the Germens sianid pils taht he sed wer tilenol 2 kil tham and Petch did that thin were her butte explods in2 a hart and Roselia shat Loomas and Pootin shat Rushan nooks and Tromp wented supper sayen and the Amerkan forses includen my grate granpa shat there guns and tha Britash putted on there armoires and gotted on there hoarses and rided the Germens don and implied tham with speers. Sun it wuz oviparous taht the gud guys wold win tha battol.  
"Yay! Wer winen!" we sed.  
"Tahts wut u thank!" we herd. It wuz AZELF HITLUR HIMSALF!!! I noed we wold hav 2 win teh finale fite off Word War 2 b4 I cold go bak 2 fite Satin and Omaba and Lauren and Kaety and all teh otter libruls in modarn tims.


	20. CHAP 18: TEH FIT AGENTS HILTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hitlur muts be defeet 4 the gud guys 2 win Wolrd War 2 so Sara can return 2 modarn tims.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Haley and me were kissen eech otter (IN A STRATE WAY! IMA CHRISTEN AND HALEY HAD A BOFREND B4 SO WERE NOT LESBANS!) and she aksed if it wold be ok if she spented tha wekend at my apportionment and sleeped in tha saem bud. She than wispered taht we dont hav 2 wer cloths if we dont want 2. I no me and Lauren usde 2 do stuf liek thus butt Lauren wuz a lesban who secretely wantad 2 rap me. Im afred taht if Haley and me get nakad in bad togeter well aksidentaly hav sax and turd in2 lesbans. I sed yes aneway tho becuz I wuz exited in tha momant. I hop I dont turd in2 a lesban this wekend.
> 
> (Originally, this chapter wasn't going to have any more notes, but I just wanted to say how glad I am that the Pirate Ship stage is back. It was my favorite stage in Brawl. Now, with Hyrule Castle 64 and Pirate Ship back, Nintendo just needs to bring back Great Bay, my favorite stage from Melee. Yes, my favorite stages of the first three Smash games were all Zelda stages. That's just a coincidence, I assure you. Also, with the Duck Hunt stage now being added to the 3DS version, can we get some 3DS stages on the Wii U? I'd love to see Magicant and the 3DS Mute City. Arena Ferox would be cool, too. As would the Paper Mario stage, though I still don't like the fact that two of that stage's three forms come from fucking Sticker Star)

CHAP 18: THA FITE AGENST HITLAR

"Mwa! Ha! Ha! Comanism wil win and u gud guys wil be defeet! And than Ill maek everone homsexal libruls!" sed Hetlur.  
"Tahts bolax u bluddy wankar!" sed Winsten Chinchou and he climed on his dragen becuz he wuz tha Keen and maed tha dragin breath firs on Adblock Hitter. Butt it didant doo much damag becuz Azelf Heatmor wuz tha finale bos off Word War 2 so he had alota HP. Than Genital Isenhoer and Genital Pancham startad shatten nooks at Hitlur 2 halp fite him. Thos did alota damag butt Hurler had alota helth so it stil didant dran his helth bar much.  
"Ono! Hiller is 2 stron he mite akshully win Wrold War 2!" I sed. Butthan sudanly I sawed a snipper rifol lyen on tha grond and piked it up.  
"Hear Grate Granpa Matthews!" I sed. I gived him teh gun and he shat a ballet at Hitlor that hitted him rite betwine tha eeys and Hatler dyed becuz getin a hed shot with a snipper rifol iz alweys instent kil.  
"Wel don Saras grate garndpa! U winned tha war!" sed Genital Paten.  
"Heres tha Metal of Boner for saven Amuraka!" sed Genital Isunhoer and he gived my grate grapa tha middle.  
"And Ill maek u a bluddy nite becuz u halped Briten 2" sed Wingull Churkle and he nited my grate grenpa.  
"Tanks! Now I ned 2 go bak 2 Amerkia so I can marey Saras grate gramma and maek her Granpa Matthews so taht Sara can be bored in 1999" sed my grate granpa.  
"Ok" sed tha 2 Genitals and tha Keen. Aslo Hitlor wuz werth alot moar experence pants than moast Germens becuz he wuz tha finale bos so my grate granpa levoled up a bunch from kilen him and wuz stroner and didant dye off oldnes wen I wuz elven.  
"Now wut do we do?" sed Ruy.  
"We ned 2 us tha tim mashen 2 returd 2 tha presant" I sed. So I pressed tha "retune 2 modarn tims" buton on tha tim mashen and we wer in modarn tims now. Butt we wer stil at tha plas wer d-dae was fot so we had 2 taek a plain bak 2 Nintando wrold.  
"Well ned tha otter Christen smashars 2 halpus if we want 2 defeet evul ons and feral" sed Rio.  
I noed taht butt I aslo noed it wold be dangaros 2 go bak 2 tha manshan with Mister Hond their. So we had 2 thank off a plane 2 get insid and recroot tha otter Christen Smashars.


	21. CHAP 19: PRIPARAN 4 THA FINALE BATTOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara muts prepair 4 her finale batol agents evul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my mom iz goen bak 2 soth carelina 4 a weak becuz she neds 2 c my dad in cort abot chilled supart and alimoney. On 1 hanned chilod supert and alamuny r evul femanest planes 2 taek away al tha muney frum hard-werkin mans and giv it 2 womans who dont diserv it butt on teh otter han I hat bean pore. So idont no who I want 2 win. My mom sed it wil be hared 4 her 2 win becuz my dad can afard reely gud loyers. Hoevar my mom leevin 4 a weak iz aslo impotent becuz nao ican updat my storey wile im at hoam. Im not goen 2 do taht this wekend becuz Haley wil cum 2 my hose butt I wil be abel 2 updat at aney tim aftar skull next weak. Which wil prolly bee wen tha storey ends becuz were getting relly clos 2 tha endin. Witch remides me taht 4 sum resin I want 2 reed my antire storey agen and lok at my acont b4 I updat 2moro.
> 
> (Yeah, tomorrow's chapter is going to be a little later than usual. Probably some time between 4:30 and 6 PM Pacific Time instead of the usual time. Having Sara be at home instead of at school for it is important, but honestly it's also because taking my laptop to and from work with me every day is getting a little inconvenient. The story is indeed probably going to end next week some time, though it might drag on into the week after depending on how many chapters the final events take)

CHAP 19: PREPARAN 4 TEH FINALE BATTOL

Wen we gotted 2 tha manshan we sawed all teh otter Christen Smashars watten arond teh hose. Their wuz Lonk and Zolda and Tone Loc and Shaq and Mark and Iek and Gurl Roban and Goy Roban and Yosi and Kerby and Keg Daddy and Little Mike and Nas and Lookus and Pete and Drake Pet and Pollutena and Dick Haunt and Sonac. Than we notased taht al teh librul Smashors wernt their.  
"Were did al teh libruls go?" I sed.  
"Tehy wented 2 Seatol 2 captar Haley so that Lauren and Kairi cold rap her" sed Lenk.   
"WHY DIDANT U GO SAEV HER!?" I sed.  
"We were watten for u and tha Christen Smashars who wented 2 rescu u 2 cum bak so we cold al go and sav her" sed Marp.  
"WELL IF SOMON TOLDED ME TAHT HALEY WUZ IN DANGAR THAN I WOLD OF CAME BAK SONAR!!!" I sed.  
"DID I HERE SARA SHATTEN IN THAR?!" I herd Mister Hanes shat "SARA IF UR BAK IM GONA THRO U IN SPAS AGEN!!!"  
"Hurray we ned 2 leev b4 Maester Hank fines u" sed Lucina. So everone runed ot off tha manshan 2 escap frum me bean throw in spas agen. We wented 2 Seatol and piked up Ashley and Olivia 2 halpus and than wented 2 Haleys hose. Butt she wuz gong!  
"Were is Haley?" I aksed her parants.  
"Sum vido gaem karacters shoed up and captared her so we caled tha polite 2 breen her bak butt tha vido gaem caracters rapped tham so nao all teh polite in Seatol r gay and evul" sed Haleys mom.  
"Ono! Were 2 bluddy laet!" sed Sholk.  
"Wen did thus hapan?" I aksed.  
"Ten minuets ago" sed Haleys dad.  
"Ok theres hopfully still tim. Wat diracshun did they ran in?" I aksed.  
"They runed otsid town" sed Haleys mom.  
"Ok thank u well saev ur dotter" I sed.  
So we al runed otsid town in2 a big opan feeld and sudanly we sawed al teh evul pepole watten 4 us. And nut onely wuz Haley tyed up butt God and Jesos wer their and tyed up 2.  
"Sara! I noed ud cum!" sed Haley.  
"Grate! Ur hear! Nao u can wach ass me and Kaety rap ur new beast frend and turd her in2 a lesban who wil marey boath of us in a 3-way weedin" sed Lauren.  
"No!" I sed "Ill stap u."  
"Ha! U cant defeet tha powar off evul! Espeshully sins I stil hav God and Jizzus tyed up rite hear!" sed Satin.  
"I no this wil be tha hardast fite evar" I sed "butt I ned 2 win. Nut jus for tha antire wrold or 4 God and Jesas butt 2 saev Haley!"  
"Ha! U wil fale Sara!" sed Bara Cabana.  
I noed taht Obaba mite of ben rite. Butt I aslo noed taht I had al my frends on my sid and aslo God and Jesas and tha wrold and most impotently Haley wer al conten on me 2 saev tha day.  
"Everone keep tha Christen Smashars and Saras otter frends occuped" sed Lauren 2 tha rest off tha evul libruls "I want 2 fite Sara 1-on-1."  
She drawd a sord. I wantad 2 draw a sord 2 butt I didant hav on.  
"Ono!" I sed "I dont hav a sord!"  
"Ass lon as u beleev in urself u can hav a sord!" sed God. So I beleeved in miself vary hard and sudanly a hevenly sord apred in my hans.  
"Tanks God!" I sed. So me and Lauren wer redy 4 tha finale battol!


	22. CHAP 22: IM RILEY SCURRED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dont no wuts goen on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reded thro my storey agen and nao im scar. I thank someon haked my acont. Theres noets that I didant rite on alota tha chaptars and aslo theres 2 otter chaptars I didant remamber riten. Butt thos I did remamber ons I reded tham agen. And I remambered tha stuf I taked abot in my nots 4 thos chaptars 2. Aslo wen I loked on my acont theres sum storey maken fun off Gamorgaet that I wold nevar rite becuz I luv Gamargat and hat SWJs. I dont no wy sum librul is haken my acont butt I thank Lauren muts be behide it!
> 
> (OK, so we're getting very close to the end here, and I just want to say...)
> 
> Their it iz agen! Taht just appered withot me riten it!
> 
> (Could you not interrupt me, Sara?)
> 
> Wat r u doen in my storey?
> 
> (You know what, just write. This will all sort itself out)
> 
> Akshully this is vary scurry. I thank Im gona stop riten.
> 
> (You know, I'm sure a lot of people would be fine with that, but there are lessons you need to learn. So get to work!)
> 
> No! U cant maek me!
> 
> (Actually...)
> 
> Did u jus maek tha dore 2 my rome lok? R u sum kind off denim?!
> 
> (Write, Sara. Just write your chapter)
> 
> Ok...

CHAP 22: IM REELY SCARRED

So me and Lauren startad fitten eech otter with r sords. I tred 2 hit her butt she bloked me and than she tred 2 hit me butt I bloked her. Meenwile al my frends wer fitten pepole. Lucina and Roi and Marp and Lonk and Ton Lenk adn Icke and Sholk al hitted tha bad pepole with there sords. Maro and Loygi shat furballs and Dokter Mayo shat pils and Patch shat turneps and Roselia shat Loomas and Yosi shat uggs and Shrek shat nedols and Poutine shat Rushan nooks and Tramp shat supper sayen enurji ataks. Nees and Lucius and Zolta and tha Robans al did majak 2 fite evul. Karby and Keen Deedee usde their humors and Duke Cunt bited tha bad guys and gived tham rabbis. Pot and Dork Pete nads Palletuna usde there angle powars. Adn Rye and Liter Mock usde punchas and marital arts to fite and so did Ashley and Olivia becuz there aslan. Haven al thos pepole on my sid wuz halpful butt ther wuz evan moar bad pepole they were fitten. Butt my fite wuz aslo way moar impotent becuz I wuz fiten 2 saev Haley frum Lauren and wuz shur I cold defeet Lauren ons and feral and maybee end lesbans forevar.  
"Giv up Sara!" sed Lauren "u cant beet my lesban powar!"  
"No!" I sed "U cant beet me becuz Ima Christen and Christens alweys win becuz God and Jesse r on r sid!"  
"Tahts rite!" sed God adn Jesauce who wer stil tyed up.  
"Ha! Butt there captar rite nao so im moar powarfel and ur weeker!" sed Lauren. She noked my sord ot of my hans.  
"Ono!" I sed.  
"And nao im gona maek u and Haley both embras been lesbans becuz I hav Santa on my sid!" she sed. Butthan sudanly a beem off enurji hitted Satin and he explod! Wile Lauren wuz distract bye taht I runed ovar and garbed my sord.  
"Satin iz ded! Nao dye Lauren!" I sed. Butt wen I tred 2 stab her she wuz protract bye a fors feld!  
"Enough of that, Sara," I herd. It wuz sum asen laedy!  
"Iz taht ur cousine or sumthin?" I aksed Ashley and Olivia.  
"No" tehy sed. Adn tha asen laedy who shoed up putted her fase in tha plam off her han.  
"Wate so did u kil Satin and saev Lauren. Hos sid r u on?" I aksed.  
"I'm on the side of trying to get you to think about shit. Remember those chapters that you forgot about until a few minutes ago?" tha asen ladey sed. Than I remambred! She wuz taht laedy who werked at Targat and bot tha gaem 4 me and aslo givde me tha tim masheen. Butt she wuz aslo a lesban! I wuz confus.  
"Im confus!" I sed "if ur a lesban wy did u kil Saten?"  
"To make an entrance," she sed "also to show off that I'm basically God here and can do whatever I want."  
"lol ur stooped im God" sed God.  
"Actually, as the omnipotent creator of this universe, I think I fit the bill more than some bearded guy who can't escape from some rope," sed tha ladey "also, my name is Melanie, not 'tha ladey'. We've been over this, Sara."  
"lol ur a moran and Wer gona send u 2 hill wen u dye 4 blasfemy and aslo 4 been a lesban" sed Juses.  
"Well, it's kind of hard to do much eternal damnation when you're disintegrated," sed Melony.  
"Butt were not disinterested" sed God who wuz confus. I wuz confus 2 becuz God wuz rite. Butthan Malady wlaked ovar 2 God and Jesas and throed them in2 tha ski!  
"Gallick Gun!" she shatted. Than she fiared a beem off enurji taht hited God and Jesos and tehy wer disinteger! Ono!  
"Hao did u kil God adn Jesis?!" I sed. I wuz vary scarred nao.  
"I would say it was to show I'm not to be fucked with, but I think killing Satan already accomplished that," sed Meloetta "so, really, it was just because they annoyed me. You know, that sounds downright sociopathic when I say it out loud. Anyway, let's get down to business... to defeat! The Huns!"  
"Wat?" I sed.  
"Never mind," sed Maldives. Than teh antire wrold startad shaken and... ONO! WUTS HAPANEN!!!

Sara opened her eyes and removed her arms from her face. When she looked around, it was clear that she was no longer in her bedroom writing her story.  
"What the... oh, fuck. This is one of those nightmares where I'm forced to associate with Sara again, isn't it?" Lauren said.  
"Lauren... is that you?" Katy asked.  
"Katy!" Lauren said. The two girls ran towards each other, wrapped their arms around each other, and had a quick kiss.  
"Do you know what's going on?" Katy asked.  
"I don't know. I was just doing my homework. Then there was an earthquake and everything went dark, and then all of a sudden I was right here with... her," the sheer amount of disdain Lauren held for Sara was palpable.  
"That's pretty much what happened to me. At least we're both safe. I don't know what I would do if I just appeared here without knowing if you were OK," said Katy.  
Lauren nodded in agreement, "thank God for that."  
"You're welcome," said Melanie.  
"And you are?" Lauren turned towards her.  
"The creator of your universe," Melanie said, "so, basically your god. If you're wondering what's going on, the answer is simple. Your friend Sara here..."  
"She's not my friend. Not anymore," said Lauren.  
"OK. your former friend Sara here really needs to learn some important life lessons. I've been contacting her through her story, but it hasn't been too effective," said Melanie, "so, to make my job easier, I merged her story with your reality."


	23. Well, I Messed Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melanie's forgetfulness creates a mess that she has to spend the whole chapter cleaning up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, due to the events of the previous chapter, it would hardly make sense for Sara to still be doing the author's notes. So, I hope you like my usual Monday talks about football. College Football was really exciting this week, with four of the top eight teams losing (and two more getting very close to a loss, including Ohio State which is somehow still #1 despite barely beating teams that a #1 team should have no trouble with. How much are you paying the people at the AP who do these rankings, Jenny?). The Ducks won decisively, but it's understandable that we're not back to being ranked after Utah utterly annihilated us last week. Seahawks have a game tonight, about an hour or so after I get home from work and post this chapter, so obviously I can't comment on them.
> 
> Also, in case anyone was wondering: no, I did not actually forget about what my character forgets about in the beginning of this chapter. The version of me in this story isn't 100% what I'm like in real life.

Chapter 23: Well, I Messed Up

Melanie looked around and noticed that things had suddenly gotten very different. The field that the last few chapters had taken place in was now covered in craters, and nearly everyone who had been present was now gone. She looked around and saw Lauren, Katy, Haley, and Ashley playing 3DSes near one of the craters, while Olivia sat nearby. The younger of the Li sisters, not distracted by video games, was the first one to notice Melanie was there.  
"Wow, Haley, you were right. She did come back," Olivia said.  
"I had a feeling," Haley said.  
"I was about to give up and just see if my or Lauren's parents would drive us back to our home states," said Katy.  
"Wait... what's going on. I didn't think I left," said Melanie.  
"You've been gone for three days," said Lauren.  
"Oh, that's right. Your reality moves in real time. Oops," Melanie said, "so, uh, what's with the craters?"  
"The Smash Bros. characters kept the personalities that they had in Sara's story," Lauren said.  
"That makes sense," Melanie said, "they obviously only exist in your reality as fictional video game characters, so they didn't have 'real' selves to merge with. And I don't have any sort of dominion over actual Nintendo canon, so I can't simply merge them with their canon selves. If you could take me to wherever they are now, though, I could try to use some of my authorial powers to bring them closer to how they are in canon."  
"The 'Christian' Smashers ran off with Sara pretty much as soon as you left," Ashley said.  
"I'm going to have to go get Sara once I clean up this mess," Melanie said, "won't be too hard, but still annoying. And the 'liberals'?"  
"They behaved like liberals in Sara's story and immediately tried to rape everyone. Luckily, Sara's desire to have herself always be stronger than her opponents made them much easier to deal with, but they were still powerful enough that Obama and Putin had to call in a joint American and Russian military response to subdue and capture them," Lauren said. It made sense that real-world figures like Obama and Putin would be back to normal, even though Melanie did not have godlike dominion over the real world, because all of these people would have logically had to have had counterparts in Sara's reality that were pretty much identical to their real world selves. So, when the worlds merged, their versions from Sara's reality overwrote their versions from Sara's story, much like how it worked with the people in Sara's personal life.  
"Putin helped out? Seems uncharacteristically kind of him," Melanie said.  
"Well, about that..." Haley said. She was interrupted, however, when Donald Trump and Barack Obama appeared holding the time machine that Melanie had given to Sara.  
"OK, we've gone back in time and actually witnessed my birth, and really freaked out my parents I might add," Obama said, "now do you FINALLY accept that I was born in this country?"  
"I don't buy it," said Trump, "how do I know that wasn't a completely different Barack Hussein Obama Jr. being born in Honolulu, Hawaii on August 4, 1961? We need to go back in time again and visit every hospital in Kenya to make sure you aren't being born in any of them."  
"Why do I even bother with this?" Obama asked no one in particular, then he turned back to Trump, who was now standing with his back to the Seattle skyline, "and why do I think you're going to find some other way to move the goalposts again? And... and why is there a huge Russian flag flying from the Space Needle."  
"While you were busy addressing Trump's stupid conspiracy theories, Putin annexed Seattle," Haley said.  
"Hey! I'm not stupid! You're stupid!" Trump said, "you're just a loser who's angry because you're bleeding out of your..."  
"Fuck off," Melanie said. And with a wave of Melanie's hand, Donald Trump was sent flying all the way back to Trump Tower in New York City.  
"Well, I definitely need to do something about... that," Obama said, pointing to Russian-occupied Seattle, "kinda didn't want to start World War 3 today."  
"With all due respect, Mr. President, let me handle this," Melanie said. With another wave of her hand, Vladimir Putin and a bunch of Russian soldiers appeared in front of them.  
"Why did you conquer Seattle, Vlad?" Obama asked, clearly annoyed by the whole situation.  
"Seattle? You mean Putingrad," Putin said.  
"No, I fucking mean Seattle," Obama said.  
"What is with harsh language? I helps with attack from video games character, and this is gratitude?" Putin said.  
"Play nice, kids," Melanie said, having always wanted to act like a mother to world leaders, "now, Vladimir, say you're sorry about taking Barack's city without asking."  
"But we had vote! I thought Americans liked the democracy!" Putin said.  
"He stood in front of a group of innocent bystanders and said 'raise hands if this city part of Russia now', and then had his soldiers point their guns at them," Lauren said.  
"And then they raised hands! Yes vote was 100%! Democracy!" Putin said.  
"You're grounded, mister," Melanie said. And then Putin was teleported back to Moscow. The Russian soldiers opened fire on Melanie in retaliation, but, when the smoke cleared, not even her clothing was damaged.  
"Seriously? I killed GOD HIMSELF in a single attack. Did you really think guns could do shit to me?" Melanie dismissively waved her hand and the Russians were all sent back to Russia like their leader.  
"Uh... do you think maybe you could send me back to Washington now? Michelle's probably wondering where I've been," Obama said, "and if you make a smartass comment like 'but we're already in Washington', I'll have the IRS audit your taxes."  
"Technically, you're not the version of Barack Obama who has any authority over me, but whatever," Melanie said. And, with a wave of Melanie's hand, President Obama was teleported back to the White House.  
"Now, you mentioned doing something about the captured Smash Bros. characters?" Ashley asked.  
"Getting on that now," Melanie said. And the captured "liberal" Smashers appeared in front of them. Melanie fired a beam at each of them to return them to as close to their canon personalities as possible, which obviously had some slight variations depending on how well she knew their series. The villains were sent to stronger holding cells right away, since letting them run free would likely lead to them doing the same thing Putin did, and sending them back to their worlds would also be pretty disastrous while the protagonists of their games weren't around.  
"So, they're all as close to canon as you can get now, right?" Lauren asked.  
"Pretty much, though I did take a few liberties. Like this," Melanie said. She turned to Samus, "Hey, Samus, remember that time when you went to the Bottle Ship, obeyed the orders of some guy who didn't have any actual authority over you to the point of not using your Varia Suit in a lava area because he didn't authorize it yet, freaked out at the sight of Ridley and needed random Federation dudes to save you, and kept thinking about babies and motherhood and other staying-in-the-kitchen shit?"  
"What are you talking about?" Samus replied, seeming legitimately confused, "none of that sounds like anything I would ever do."  
"Oh, it's nothing," Melanie said, "now we just need to get to Sara."  
"But she's been gone for three days," Katy said.  
"Well, that's one of the benefits of the story being in third person now," Melanie said, "because now I can just do... this!"  
Meanwhile, wherever the fuck Sara was.  
"Wev ben walkan 4 tree dyas" said Lucina, "were r we goen Sara?"  
"I don't know!" Sara said, "I just know that if that really strong lesbian lady finds us, it will be really bad."  
"That sounds like my cue," said Melanie, appearing from nowhere.  
"Ono!" said Roy.  
"Shes gona bluddy rap u Sara and maek u a bluddy lesban!" said Shulk.  
"Well, not that first part," Melanie said, "and I'm not really 'making' her anything that she isn't already, so that second part isn't entirely accurate either."  
"Are you saying I'm already a lesbian?" Sara said, "because I'm not!"  
"I figured you would say that," said Melanie, "and now, so that you don't just run away again in the day-long gap between chapters... TIME FREEZE!"


	24. Melanie vs. Sara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melanie goes very far to do a meme, Sara still has trouble identifying Asians, and a surprise appearance of someone unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it seems like the Seahawks got another controversial call that got us a win. If we keep this up, we'll replace the Patriots as the most hated team in the NFL in no time. Of course, the refs could just be trying to make up for the Super Bowl they handed to the Steelers over us ten years ago. It was actually the first Super Bowl I ever watched, too. I'll admit that I never cared about the NFL, or most sports in general, until I was in college.

Chapter 24: Melanie vs. Sara

"Dont worey Sara!" said Link, "Well protract u frum bean rap!"  
The "Christian" Smashers stood between Melanie and Sara.  
"Well, this makes my job a bit easier," Melanie said. She fired one of her re-canonization beams at the group.  
"I'm really feeling it!" said Shulk.  
"That's a relief," Melanie said, "for a second there I was afraid that spreading the beam out like that and not focusing on any one character would cause it to..."  
"I'm really feeling it!" Shulk said again, "I'm really feeling it!"  
"Wait..." Melanie said.  
"Come on, Luigi! We need to trust the fungus or else President Koopa will de-evolve all of Brooklyn into monkeys!" said Mario.  
"That's Mama Luigi to you, Mario!" said Luigi.  
"Link, go to Gamelon and find my father," said Zelda.  
"Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess," said Link.  
"My name..." Male Robin, who was now standing in some conveniently-placed shadows, growled, "is fucking Bloodsaw Gunfucker McBadass. I single-fucking-handedly fucking murdered fucking Validar and fucking Grima with my fucking bare hands, and fucking banged every fucking woman in the fucking army. As you can fucking see, I'm way fucking manlier than that douchebag jock Chad! COURTNEY! WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME!!!"  
Melanie looked over and saw Female Robin amongst a bunch of adorable woodland animals, with a ray of sunlight beaming directly down on her.  
"Hi, my name is Krystyna Sparklypoo Cullen-Bieber-Styles Kusobaka," she said in an overly melodic voice, "I single-handedly defeated Validar and Grima, and every man in the army fell in love with my attractive looks, beautiful singing voice, and perky can-do spirit. As you can see, I'm way prettier than that bitchy cheerleader Courtney! CHAD! WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME!!!"  
"Ugh, these overpowered self-insert characters are the worst," said Melanie, "once I'm done using my godlike powers to beat up a defenseless teenage girl, I'm turning those two back to normal first."  
However, Sara had already run away in the confusion.  
"Do I really need to do this again?" said Melanie, as the oddly-southern-accented King Dedede talked of his desire to find a monster to "clobbah dat dere Kirby" and Dark Pit lamented how his precious Hot Topic had been ruined.  
Meanwhile, wherever the fuck Sara ran off to this time...  
"OK, I think I lost her," Sara said, "but she probably turned all the Smashers into liberal SJWs now."  
"Slippery little bitch," Melanie said, appearing from nowhere again, "I don't have time for this."  
Then she powered up, absorbing energy from the nearby environment.  
"Let's go!" Melanie said when she was done.  
"The heck are you thinking?" Sara said. She drew her sword, but Melanie easily knocked her over, then grabbed her by the sides of her head and pulled her up.  
"Played intramural college badminton, you know," Melanie said.  
"At some liberal-indoctrinating ivy league school!" said Sara. Melanie headbutted her and punched her a few times, all while Sara's attempts at retaliation were completely ineffectual.  
"Try University of Oregon," said Melanie, lifting Sara up by her throat, "could've gone pro if 'professional badminton' was a thing. I'm not one of those retail pansies. I could break my STL in two, with my bare hands."  
Melanie threw Sara into the air and pulled out a giant badminton racket.  
"Don't fuck with this ETL," Melanie said, striking Sara with the racket and sending her flying into a nearby boulder. Then, Melanie readjusted her glasses as Sara stumbled to her feet.  
"What the heck are you?" Sara said.  
Melanie laughed and said, "why don't you stick around and find out?"  
Sara attempted another completely useless barrage of attacks, which ended with Melanie grabbing Sara's sword by the blade.  
"What..." Sara said.  
"Nice knife," Melanie said, shattering Sara's supposedly-powerful holy sword. Then she threw two punches. The first one Sara managed to dodge. The second? Not so much. As Melanie ran towards where Sara slid across the ground to, Sara stood up and threw what was left of her broken sword at her. Melanie deflected that and threw another punch, which Sara blocked.  
"Typical SJW," Sara said, "big promises, but always just trying to turn me into a lesbian."  
"What?" Melanie said.  
"'Be true to who you are?' What a load of bull-poop!" Sara said. She got a few good hits in, "All you care about is getting lesbian sex! That, and trying to put impure thoughts in the heads of innocent straight girls like me! You've got no principles, just like all the rest."  
Sara knocked Melanie to the ground.  
"If America is gone to poop, you're just another maggot crawling on the pile!" Sara said. Melanie laughed.  
"All right, the truth then," she said, standing up, "you're right about one thing. I am a horny bitch, just ask my wife. Also, I guess this is the part where I should go on a motive rant about my plans for America or something. But, honestly, I just do all this to get a few laughs at the stupidity of conservatives. So, just start hitting me again so we can skip to what I've been setting up for this whole battle."  
So Sara ran up to Melanie and started punching her over and over, which did absolutely nothing.  
"Why won't you die?!" Sara said angrily.  
"NANOMACHINES, SON!" Melanie replied in the hammiest way possible, "thanks, Sara. I've always wanted the perfect chance to say that. Since, like, 2013 when that game came out."  
"Son? But... but I'm a girl..." Sara said.  
"You mean you didn't get the meme? I set up this whole battle just to deliver that one line," Melanie said, "I thought for certain you were helping me out here when you started saying all of Raiden's lines."  
"Get what meme?" Sara said, "who's Raiden?"  
Melanie sighed, "listen, once all this is done, I'm going to give you a copy of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. This whole fight so far will make sense if you play through that game."  
"So, you're saying everything you've done so far in our fight was just so that you could say one line from a video game?" Sara said, "you liberals are so stupid!"  
"It's not a liberal thing, Sara. It's a Melanie thing," Melanie said, "but now, let's get back to fighting.  
But then, suddenly, a voice came from nowhere. It was in Japanese, so neither Melanie nor Sara could understand it, but luckily some helpful subtitles showed up.  
"So, which one of you is responsible for the characters from my game who ran amok over the weekend?" the subtitles said. Melanie and Sara turned and saw a Japanese man in his early forties standing about a hundred feet away from them.  
"Is that your dad?" Sara asked.  
"No!" Melanie said, "he's not even fifteen years older than me."  
"Oh, so he must be your uncle," Sara said, "Ashley and Olivia's dad."  
"First of all, I'm pretty sure we've been over how I'm not in any way related to your Asian friends. Secondly, how could you have played Super Smash Bros. games your entire life and not know who this guy is?" Melanie said.  
"So... is he your brother or something?" Sara asked. Melanie walked over to a random patch of dirt, made a tree instantly grow from it, and started banging her head against the tree.  
"You two girls have threatened the boundary between gaming and reality," the Japanese man said, "and that's something that I, Masahiro Sakurai, cannot allow."  
"So, are you her... cousin?" Sara asked Sakurai.  
"Well, that's enough chapter for one day," Melanie said, stepping away from the tree, "And I will admit, this is a great cliffhanger. So, TIME FREEZE!"


	25. Sakurai OP pls nerf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit continues to get real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, more rumors are floating around about Super Smash Bros. Some are saying that they think a new character will be revealed soon. Of course, any character revealed in the next few weeks would have to have been in development since before the ballot was completed, unless they just give a name and maybe some concept art. You don't just have a character ready to go in a few days or weeks, even if they managed to decide who from the ballot will get on the roster already (remember, they never said that the one with the most votes would win. Just that they'd look at all the highly-popular responses and see which ones seem the "most fitting". Admittedly, that could just be a polite way to say "no, we're not putting in Goku, you idiots"). So, this rumor seems pretty dubious. However, I don't exactly have the best track record with Smash rumors (I thought the Gematsu "leak" and the Rayman DLC "leak" were both real, and I also thought that the ESRB Character Select Screen leak was fake until the leaker released video footage of Shulk and Bowser Jr. in action), so believe what you want.

Chapter 25: Sakurai OP pls nerf

"OK, Mr. Sakurai, I have a huge amount of respect for you, so I should probably let you know just what you're getting into," Melanie said, approaching the game developer, "I'm pretty much omnipotent here. You really don't want to fight me."  
"Sakurai..." Sakurai said, pulling back his fist.  
"So, he's not your father... does that mean you're much older than you look and you're his mother?" Sara asked.  
"No, Sara," Melanie said, turning back to Sara, "I mean, a lot of people mistake me for teenager despite the fact that I'm thirty, but I'm not old enough to be Sakurai's moth..."  
"... PAWNCH!!!" Sakurai said, delivering a punch that struck the distracted Melanie in the back and sent her flying past where Sara was standing.  
"Wait... did you basically just do a Falcon Punch?" Melanie asked, wincing from the pain of the hit, "you can do that?"  
"Of course!" Sakurai's subtitles said, "I have all the powers of every Smash Bros. character combined. Don't you know the first rule of game design? The player can't be allowed to do anything that the game's director can't do themselves in real life."  
"That doesn't seem right," Melanie said.  
"Think about it," Sakurai's subtitles said, "why else do you think there are so many video games about firing guns at stuff, playing sports, and other mundane things that an ordinary human can do?"  
"Wait... so, if you have all the powers of every Smash Bros. character, then does that mean you have the abilities of Brawl Meta Knight and Pre-Patch SSB4 Diddy Kong COMBINED?" Melanie asked. Sakurai simply nodded, sending a chill up Melanie's spine. She backed further away in fear.  
"My mere omnipotence is no match for that level of broken," she said. She walked towards Sara.  
"Don't rape me!" Sara said. She turned to Sakurai, "tell your sister not to rape me. And say it in English, not Spanish like how you've been saying everything. This is America."  
"Spanish? You think I'm speaking Spanish?" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"She's not very smart," Melanie explained.  
"That much I have gathered," Sakurai's subtitles said.  
By this point, Melanie was close enough to place her hand on Sara's shoulder.  
"Eek! Someone help! I don't want to be a lesbian! I'm a Christian!" Sara screamed. However, after a brief flash of light, Melanie simply removed her hand again.  
"OK, Sara, this guy is as powerful as Meta Knight was in Brawl AND as Diddy was before the patches started rolling in, put together. And then some," Melanie said, "there's no way I can defeat him by myself. I just gave you your Mary Sue powers back so you can help..."  
"Why would I help you? You're an evil liberal lesbian SJW!" Sara said. She went into her angelic Final Smash form and fired a beam of heavenly light that knocked Melanie back into the boulder that she had knocked Sara into during their fight in the last chapter. This time, however, the force of the impact caused the boulder to explode. Melanie stumbled back to her feet.  
"Ow... you know, in hindsight, I really should've seen that coming. But, ow..." she said. Sara used her angelic wings to fly towards Melanie again.  
"Well, if you two are going to take care of fighting each other, I've got ballot results to read," Sakurai's subtitles said. He drew the Master Sword and used Link's forward smash, chopping down the tree that Melanie grew to bang her head against in the previous chapter. Then, he sat on the stump and began reading.  
"Goku, Shrek, Goku, Shrek, K. Rool, Shrek, Goku, Goku, Ridley, Shrek, Goku, Dixie Kong, Shrek, Goku... all these are garbage!" Sakurai's subtitles said. Melanie landed on the ground near him after being hit by one of Sara's attacks.  
"I don't know. K. Rool, Ridley, and Dixie all seem like good choices to me," she said.  
"But if I give the Metroid and Donkey Kong franchises proper representation, how will I be able to laugh at the salty tears of their butthurt fanbases?" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Wow. Didn't realize the Japanese language had a word that translated exactly to 'butthurt'," Melanie said. She rolled out of the way of Sara, who came down from the sky to try to dive-bomb her.  
"Die, lesbian! You don't belong in this world!" Sara said.  
"Getting real tired of your shit, Sara," Melanie said, "and I really mean it when I say whichever one of us wins this fight is probably going to get their ass handed to them by Sakurai."  
"Then repent your sins and stop being a lesbian!" Sara said, attempting another beam of heavenly light, which Melanie dodged. Melanie sighed.  
"The things I have to put up with..." she muttered to herself, before she started shouting and gesturing wildly in a way that made Jeremy Irons in the Dungeons & Dragons movie look like a subdued performance, "OH, PRAISE JESUS or whatever! I HAVE BEEN CURED OF MY HOMOSEXUAL URGES! I SURE TO LOVE DICK! AND JESUS! AND JESUS DICK! AFTER WE ARE DONE, I AM GOING HOME TO HAVE ROMANTIC THOUGHTS ABOUT think of a dude... think of a dude... BERNIE SANDERS!"  
She looked over to see if Sara was buying it.  
"Ha! And my mom and Lauren said that praying the gay away doesn't work," Sara said.  
"Thank Great Cthulhu you're an imbecile," Melanie breathed a sigh of relief.  
"What's an imbecile?" Sara tilted her head slightly, puzzled.  
"It's... uh, a slang word from back when I was your age," Melanie said, "It means, uh... 'straight... Christian... conservative girl... who is straight... and, uh, not a lesbian.'"  
"Take that, Lauren! I'm an imbecile!" Sara yelled triumphantly to the heavens.  
"Now, uh, would you help me deal with Sakurai here?" Melanie asked.  
"Why do you want to beat up your brother again?" Sara asked.  
"He's not my... never mind. I need to beat him up because he's the one who told me to be a lesbian," Melanie realized that she would have to use Sara's own logic to get her to help.  
"What?! We need to stop him!" Sara said. She flew towards Sakurai.  
"Sara, wait! We need a..." Melanie said, "...strategy. Aw, fuck it."  
Melanie ran towards Sakurai, too. The game designer looked up from his ballot results.  
"Oh, you two are done fighting?" his subtitles said, "well, time to get this over with."  
Sara bombarded Sakurai with fire and brimstone, and then may lightning strike him repeatedly, before ending with a huge explosion of holy energy large enough to create a mushroom cloud. However, when the smoke cleared, Sakurai was completely unscathed. Melanie stopped in her tracks and started to back away, fearing the response that was certain to come. Sara just stood still, in utter shock.  
"You Americans have a saying. I believe it goes something like..." Sakurai's subtitles said. Then he added, unsubtitled, "BEECHU PUREESE!"  
He leaped into the air and delivered a Falcon Punch... or, rather, a "Sakurai Punch" to Sara's stomach. This caused her to spit out a Smash Ball, lose her angel wings, and fall to the ground.  
"Hey! You can't do that after the Final Smash is already in effect," Melanie said.  
"Screw the rules, I'm Masahiro Sakurai," Sakurai's subtitles said. Then, he shattered the Smash Ball and began to glow.  
"Oh no!" Sara said.  
"We're fucked," said Melanie.  
"Now, would you ladies like to see a real Final Smash?" Sakurai's subtitles said. Melanie and Sara both shook their heads, but Sakurai added in subtitled Japanese, "too bad! Here's all of them!"  
Sakurai bombarded the two girls with every single Final Smash, one after another, starting with the long-distance ones like Mario's Mario Finale and Samus's Zero Laser and ending with the close-range strikes like the Critical Hits of Marth and his clones and the Triforce Slashes of Link and Toon Link. After being hit by over fifty different (well, there were some repeats, but still) Final Smashes, Melanie and Sara were obviously not in the best shape.  
"Ow..." They said. However, Melanie suddenly had Wolverine's healing factor, because she wrote that she did in this sentence just now.  
"Good thing I'm the author, or else there would've been no way we'd survive all that," Melanie said. She pulled out a senzu bean, which she also suddenly had, and gave it to Sara to heal her injuries.  
"What?" Sakurai asked.  
"OK, Sakurai," Melanie said, "I guess I need to get serious here. You may be powerful, but as long as I have my unlimited author powers and you don't, I might even stand a slight chance even if you use Pre-patch Diddy's Hoo-Hah on me. A little. Maybe. I'm still not entirely certain I could beat something that overpowered."  
She ran towards the developer, who was standing on the ground again. However, she realized too late that Sakurai's inhaling wasn't just him taking a deep breath. Within moments, she was somehow in his mouth, then she equally bizarrely popped out behind him. However, Sakurai was now wearing a red-and-khaki Target uniform and glasses that looked just like Melanie's.  
"Oh, fuck," Melanie said, "well, time to hit the old dusty..."  
"Time Freeze!" Sakurai's subtitles said.


	26. Sakurai was here. Melanie is a loser.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masahiro Sakurai is the greatest game developer of all time. That is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. Masahiro Sakurai here. As you may have known, the ballot to vote for new fighters in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U and 3DS has ended recently, and we have been tallying the votes. And, well, most of you are idiots. I can't tell you how many votes I got for downright moronic choices like Goku and Shrek. Do you know the first thing about what the Smash series is supposed to be about? A warning to all of you who voted for those two: If I find out who you are, I will call that person you have a crush on and tell them you wet the bed. Then, I will buy the property next to your house and start offering late-night bagpipes lessons, then I will buy you a pet parrot and teach it to say things like "the Holocaust was a myth" and "the Jews did 9/11" so that everyone who comes to your house will think you're some kind of crazy, anti-semitic conspiracy theorist. Then, I will build a time machine so that I can go to the future and bring back Game of Thrones spoilers that haven't even been written yet, and then follow you around all day yelling those spoilers at you. Then, I will...
> 
> (Whoa, you gonna be OK there, Sakurai?)
> 
> Didn't I freeze you in time?
> 
> (Well, it's complicated. The version of me in the story is basically me, but she's really more of an "avatar". And I don't mean in a "master of all four elements" way, though. Though I could give her those powers if I wanted. So, anyway, how about we get that chapter started?)
> 
> Not before I'm done saying everything I will do to the people who voted for Goku and Shrek.
> 
> (In that case, I have a question.)
> 
> What?
> 
> (If you copied everything I was wearing when you used Kirby's inhale technique, then does that mean that under that shirt-and-khaki's combo...)
> 
> The chapter it is!

Chapter 26: I Should've Worn Stilettos When I Entered My Story. Would've Been Great Revenge For All The Stupid Tripping Deaths I Had In Brawl.

"...trail," Melanie said, "aw, fuck."  
"Thanks for walking right into that," Sakurai's subtitles said, "now that I have copied your unlimited authorial powers, I can do... THIS!"  
Sakurai waved his hand.  
"What did you do?" Melanie asked.  
"I erased the entire Dragon Ball series and the Shrek movies from existence!" Sakurai's subtitles said, "and with them, all the idiotic votes for Goku and Shrek are gone!"  
"Hey! Dragon Ball Z is great, especially in Abridged form. And The first two Shrek movies were pretty good, though I will admit that all the Shrek jokes on the internet are getting kind of old," Melanie said.  
"Says the person who made a 'Shrek as a misspelling of Sheik' joke in a chapter she posted about a week ago," Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"That's not important! What's important is that you can't just abuse godlike powers to retcon entire series from existence just because you don't like them," Melanie said.  
"Says the person who retconned Metroid: Other M from existence because she doesn't like it," said Sakurai's subtitles.  
"That's different. Other M was just one game, not an entire series," Melanie said, "and nobody liked Other M. Not even Team Ninja liked Other M. Lots of people actually like Shrek and Dragon Ball. Bring them back!"  
"No! With Shrek and Goku gone, the top two most requested Smash Bros. characters must be actual video game characters now. Let's see, it's..." Sakurai's subtitles said as he pulled up the new results, "... Naruto and Buzz Lightyear. Fuck!"  
"So you'll bring them back?"  
"Might as well, if I'm still getting stup... wait, can't you still do that? What are you bothering me for?" Sakurai's subtitles said, "it's not like my copying your author powers took them away from you."  
"Oh yeah," Melanie said. And so the Shrek movies and all the various Dragon Ball series existed again. Except GT, because fuck that shit. It's not canon anyway.  
"You know, Sara's been strangely quiet," Melanie said, looking around, "and... she ran away again, didn't she?"  
"I don't know," Sakurai's subtitles said, "I thought you were watching her."  
"Well, I can find her later. We both have more pressing matters right now," Melanie said, "There can be only one author on this story. Unless you count Jenny, but she only wrote a few sentences and then fucked off."  
"Still have top billing, though," Jenny said, suddenly appearing from nowhere.  
"Let me guess, you want to fight for control of the story, too?" Melanie asked.  
"No, I'm just here to talk to my old pal Sakurai," Jenny said, putting an arm over the confused game developer's shoulder.  
"Who is this strange woman?" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Some freakishly-tall girl from Ohio who I met on Reddit," Melanie said.  
"Hey! I'm only 5'11". You're just short," Jenny said.  
"5'11" is pretty tall for a girl. My wife is 5'7" and even she's taller than average," Melanie said.  
"What do you want with me, exactly?" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Oh yeah," Jenny said, "did you get my votes for Omastar? We need to put good, Helixian values in Smash to stop the filthy Domeist influences that are poisoning the youth of this great nation. Did you know that kids these days aren't even allowed to have a Start9 Riot in their schools, and, when I went I go to stores they always tell me 'have a nice day' and not 'Praise Helix'? Even between February 12th and March 1st, the holiest time of the year for Helixians!"  
"I still think it was blasphemy to abandon Moon Stone..." Melanie said.  
"Are you going to take your arm off me soon?" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Oh yeah, sorry," Jenny said, "Anyway, about Omastar..."  
"Well, unlike Shrek and Goku, Omastar does meet the requirements for being a fighter," Sakurai's subtitles said, "I'll... think about it."  
"Yay! Thanks, Mr. Sakurai, and Helix Bless You!" Jenny said, vanishing.  
"You're not actually considering making Omastar a DLC character, are you?" Melanie asked.  
"As far as I can tell, the only votes he got were from her and some other weirdos who didn't realize that Twitch Plays Pokemon stopped being a thing anyone cares about pretty much as soon as they beat the first game," Sakurai's subtitles said, "so no."  
"Well, I guess it's time for our fight then," Melanie said.  
"Let's see what happens when two people with unlimited power do battle," Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"You know what," Melanie said, "there's no way that any fight between two people whose power is only limited by their ability to imagine new powers for themselves will actually be as good written out as it is in our heads, so I think I'll just be a total bitch and cut away to Sara for now, leaving this fight in my readers' imaginations. I'm sure they'll all imagine something suitably epic."  
"Or, they'll just imagine that we settled our differences non-violently and then played nine holes of golf," Sakurai's subtitles said.  
Meanwhile, Sara was just escaping through some trees when she ran into her friends and the Smashers. And also Lauren and Katy, who definitely don't count as her friends.  
"What is it, Sara?" Haley asked.  
"Ashley and Olivia's cousin Melanie was fighting me. Then her dad, some guy named 'Mashpotato Samurai' or something..." Sara said.  
"Wait! Do you mean THE 'Masahiro Sakurai'?!" Ashley asked.  
"Well, you're probably right. I mean, he is your uncle," Sara said.  
"He's not our uncle, and that Melanie lady isn't our cousin," Olivia said, "there's a difference between Japanese people and Korean people."  
"Korean? Ain't that like the Bible but for Muslims?" Sara asked.  
"That would be the 'Quran', imbecile," Lauren said.  
"Ha! So you finally admit I'm not a lesbian!" Sara said.  
"Wha... I don't even want to know," Lauren said.  
"So, what did Sakurai want?" Haley asked.  
"Well, he attacked me and her both. And now he's probably chasing me to send me to a liberal indoctrination school to turn me into a lesbian!" Sara said, "I can't beat him on my own!"  
"I fight for my friends," said Ike.  
"Am I still your friend? Will you help me?" Sara asked.  
"I fight for my friends," Ike said again.  
"Yay!" Sara jumped with glee.  
"Hate to burst... scratch that, LOVE to burst your bubble, Sara. He's just been saying that over and over since Melanie's attempt to return all the 'Christian' Smashers to their canon selves messed up," Lauren said, "he's kinda like Shulk right now."  
"I'm really feeling it!" said Shulk.  
"I'll help you, Sara!" said the Duck Hunt Dog.  
"Really?" Sara asked.  
"Nope!" said the dog. He leaped behind some grass and laughed at her.  
"You know, other than being able to talk, the Duck Hunt Dog being a massive troll isn't that far from his canon personality," Ashley said. Suddenly, Jenny appeared again.  
"Hi, don't mind me," she said, "just taking care of freezing time for everyone except Sakurai and Melanie because they're busy fighting. Helix willing, that will give them enough time to finish their fight before tomorrow's chapter."  
"'Helix?' Oh yeah! I don't think I ever changed my religion back on Facebook after that ended," Katy said.  
"Twitch Plays Pokemon didn't 'end', blasphemer! In fact, we're starting a run Pokemon Colosseum's story mode on Monday," Jenny said.  
"People are seriously still watching that?" Katy asked.  
"TIME FREEZE, HERETIC SCUM!" Jenny said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all seriousness, thank you to Jenny for still being up at 1 AM your time last night to give me ideas for how to write your cameo role. See, I told you I'd have some sort of reward for helping me finish up that chapter in August.


	27. The Moral of the Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now that I have full control of the author's note again, due to Sakurai being occupied fighting my avatar, I'd like to talk about sports again. I'm sure you're all thrilled. This time, however, I'm going to talk about baseball. While I only started following football in college, I've been a fan of baseball since I was a little girl, even before one of the most recognizable Japanese people in American sports started playing for the closest MLB team to where I live. I even played softball for four years in high school (by "played" I mean "spent most of my time on the bench". I wasn't actually very good). Also, as a fun little note, the Mariners are actually owned by Nintendo, making them the only Nintendo property that regularly appears in games for non-Nintendo consoles (and, before you bring up the CD-I or something, I said REGULARLY appears). I was considering voting for Felix Hernandez on the Smash ballot based on that, but I'm sure the "no real people" rule trumps the fact that the team that he plays for is technically a first party Nintendo franchise.
> 
> Anyway, the reason I'm bringing up baseball is that the playoffs are going on. Like most people whose team didn't make it, I'm pulling for the Cubs to end their hundred-year curse. But, honestly, as long as the Cardinals don't win it all again I'll be happy. They're the only team in the playoffs who won a championship more recently than the early nineties. And I'm pretty sure I just guaranteed a Cardinals World Series victory. You're welcome, St. Louis!

Chapter 27: The Moral Of The Story

Melanie and Sakurai stood on the battlefield, which was now utterly ruined from a full day of fighting. Sakurai was dual-wielding two massive swords: Guts' Dragon Slayer from Berserk and the version of the Masamune that Sephiroth wields in Final Fantasy VII. Melanie, meanwhile, had a set of laserbladed chainsaw-nunchucks in each hand. Suddenly, however, Sakurai's swords slipped from his hands, fell into the nearby river, and somehow the current was strong enough to carry them downstream.  
"Hey! That river wasn't there before!" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Yes it was," Melanie said, "the geography just wasn't established... or something. Yeah."  
"You're cheating!" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Am not!" Melanie said.  
"Are too!" Sakurai's subtitles said. Suddenly, Melanie's laser-chainsawchucks exploded for no reason.  
"You big, dumb doo-doo head!" Melanie said.  
"I know you are, but what am I," Sakurai's subtitles said.  
Melanie pulled out a sword and tried to hit Sakurai with it... but wait! He had a force field! But Melanie had another sword, that breaks force fields! But Sakurai had a better force field that resists swords that break force fields! But Melanie had an even better sword that breaks force fields that resist swords that break force fields!  
"Wait..." Melanie said, "don't you see the point we've reached?"  
"Ha! You're just giving up because my next trick will beat you for sure!" Sakurai's subtitles said.  
"Does it involve having an even better force field to beat my even better sword?" Melanie asked.  
"No!" Sakurai's subtitles said, before he admitted, "... yes."  
"You see, I'm not sure how the Japanese schooling system works, but here in 'Murica our children often have pretend fights with each other that inevitably reach an impasse with an infinite series of stronger force fields and stronger weapons to break those force fields. Then, one of the kids says 'girls can't break force fields because girls are dumb!' so the other kid slaps him IRL, which leads to the teacher walking over and saying 'Melanie Takahashi, go to the principal's office' and then the girl does what she's told and her parents are called and they tell her she's not allowed to play video games for a whole week. And then her mother asks her if she slapped that boy because she secretly loves him and the girl says 'no'. But her mom doesn't believe her, even though the girl is telling the truth because she actually has a little crush on that cute girl with a ponytail who sits across the aisle from her on the bus every day, but even the girl herself doesn't realize this because she's ten years old and it's 1995 and depictions of lesbians in the media aren't widespread yet, and..." Melanie said.  
"I highly doubt that the scenario plays out exactly that way every time," Sakurai's subtitles said, "but, you're right. We seem to have reached a stalemate... EXCEPT I HAVE THE INFINITY FORCE FIELD THAT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CAN BREAK AND..."  
Melanie sighed, "Infinity-Plus-One Sword."  
"Dammit!" Sakurai's subtitles said, "so, what now?"  
"I dunno. Maybe go deal with the issues with Sara that I came here specifically to deal with?" Melanie suggested.  
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sakurai's subtitles said. And, so, they teleported to Sara's location.  
"Oh no!" Sara said, "They're here!"  
"Sara, it's time for you to just admit it. Stop pretending to be something you're not," Melanie said.  
"No!" Sara said, "I mean, I'm not pretending to be anything I'm not."  
"Well, that didn't work," Sakurai's subtitles said, "I don't have time for this."  
Sakurai kicked Sara and knocked her to the ground.  
"Sara!" Haley shouted.  
"Yeah, I wanted to maybe try something else first," Melanie said, "but I guess violence it is."  
She joined Sakurai in kicking Sara while she was on the ground. Meanwhile, Haley grabbed the Monado from Shulk.  
"I'm really feeling it!" Shulk said, not even noticing his weapon was gone.  
"St... stop it!" Haley yelled at Melanie and Sakurai, electricity shooting through her body due to the fact that she's obviously not the Monado's chosen wielder, "don't hurt her!"  
"Uh, I'm not sure if you've played Xenoblade before," Melanie said, "but the Monado can't do shit to either of us, but has a pretty high chance of killing you due to the whole 'you're not Shulk' thing."  
Suddenly, however, the Monado began to change drastically, becoming much more ornate-looking, turning from it's usual red coloration to a teal-ish one, and having the Japanese Kanji for "God" appear on its panel. Melanie and Sakurai both knew what this meant and backed away from Sara, who was bleeding on the ground.  
"Well, fuck you too, Alvis," Melanie said.  
"I call haxx," Sakurai's subtitles said. Haley reached Sara and helped her to her feet.  
"Thanks Haley," Sara said, "you're such a great friend."  
"Friend?" Haley said, "Just... a friend?"  
"What?" Sara asked.  
"Maybe Lauren was right about you," Haley said. She gave Shulk his Monado back, and it reverted from the Monado III back to the default Monado I, "for the last few days, she's been telling me to give up, that you'll always be too ashamed of how you really feel."  
"Haley, you don't mean..." Sara said.  
"I love you, Sara," Haley said, "I want to believe you really love me back, but, you're just..."  
"Haley... you told me you weren't a lesbian! You're a liar just like Lauren!" Sara slapped Haley in the face.  
"I'm not a lesbian! I told you I was bisexual when we first met! Don't you know what that means?" Haley asked.  
"What does you being a bicyclist have to do with you being a lesbian? Stop changing the subject!" Sara said.  
"This stupid teenage argument is starting to bore me," Sakurai's subtitles said, "SHINKU HADOKEN!!!"  
The massive ball of energy hit Haley and sent her flying. She landed a little over fifty feet away, unconscious.  
"Holy shit! A little harsh, don't you think?!" Melanie said.  
"Wait for it..." Sakurai's subtitles said, "I know what I'm doing."  
"Haley!" Sara ran over to the unconscious girl, "Haley, please wake up!"  
There was no response.  
"Haley! Please! You can't die!" Sara said, "Please! I can't go on without you! I... I... I LOVE YOU!!!"  
"Do... do you mean it Sara?" Haley said, waking up.  
"Yes, Haley. Everyone was right about me. You were right, my mom was right, Lauren was right, all those liberals who Obama paid to comment on my stories were right. I was the only one who was wrong," Sara said, "except Ashley and Olivia's cousin Melanie over there. She said I was an imbecile, but I'm actually a lesbian."  
"I'm still pretty sure you're both, Sara," Lauren said.  
"Wait... but that doesn't make sense," Sara said.  
"Just drop it, Sara," Melanie said, "focus on what's important."  
"Right," Sara said, "Haley, do you... do you want to go out with me?  
"Sara, it makes me so happy to hear you say that," Haley said, "it was almost as if all the injuries I had from being hit by a giant orb of death went away the moment you told me you love me. Of course I want to go out with you!"  
"Yay!" Sara said.  
"I guess the moral of the story is: there's no problem that firing massive ki blasts at teenagers can't solve," Melanie said.  
"And, with that, it looks like my job here is done," Sakurai's subtitles said, "but first..."  
Sakurai waved his hand, and all the Smashers were returned to their canon personalities and teleported back to their home worlds.  
"How did you do that all at once?" Melanie asked, "when I tried to return them to canon en masse like that, they... well, you saw."  
"How? I'm Masahiro Fucking Sakurai, that's how," Sakurai's subtitles said, "And, Melanie, one last thing before I go."  
"What?" Melanie asked, waiting to see what timeless advise the game developer would depart with.  
"I'm the biggest troll in the Smash Bros. community, don't you forget it," Sakurai's subtitles said, "and if you try to butt in on my turf again, the entire SSB5 roster is going to be fifty shades of Pit. Sakurai, out!"  
And, just like that, Sakurai was gone.  
"Well, I guess I better get going to," Melanie said. She turned towards the group of girls. Sara and Haley were too busy making out to pay attention, though.  
"Finally, all this stupid shit is over," Lauren said.  
"Well, actually there's going to be one more chapter on Monday to close everything out," Melanie said, "but the whole world-merging thing is about to be at it's end."  
"Monday?" Katy asked, "Isn't it Monday today?"  
"Actually, it's Friday. We've kinda been freezing time a bunch," Melanie said, "anyway, goodbye, everybody."  
And, with that, Melanie pulled their reality and Sara's story apart once again.


	28. CHAP 20: THE FINEL BATTAL BUTT THEIRS NUT RILEY A BATAL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tha storey cums 2 an ind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everone sorey I didant updat in liek a weak. Sum reely impotent stuf hapan taht chang my lief. I dont remamber muck off wat hapan on tha weakand ore on Mondae butt I did remamber sumthin taht im shur wil surpris everone. I tolded Haley taht I luv her and nao wer lesbans daten eech otter. I caled her 2 and she sez she remamber that 2 evan tho she aslo dosant remamber muk abot tha weakand or moast off Moondae butt she dose aslo remamber taht. Its weerd becuz I thot bean a lesban wold maek me feal evuller butt I just fell happyer than b4 and not evul atall I men I dont wanna wership Satin nao or anethin. Akshully I thank my dad mite off ben ron abot alota stuf he tolded me becuz I gotted a cal frum my mom erlier taht sed my dad wented crazey and akused her off getin a chiness sorsares naem Melony 2 scar him in2 dropen tha caes and evan my dads loyers wernt gud enuf 2 maek taht luk liek sumthin a normel persan wold say so my dad is prolly crazey and is gona loose tha caes agents my mothra and hav 2 pay alamony and chilled suppart.
> 
> Its alredy almos tha weakand agen and thus wil be tha furst weakand Haley adn me spand 2geter ass a cuple. U no wat? 4 my hole lief I feered bean a lesban butt nao taht I no Ima lesban I dont thank I hav anethin 2 be scar off anemore. Expect spidors thos r stil scarey.
> 
> (Well, it kinda makes sense that coming out of the closet wouldn't magically make Sara a good writer. Though I'm sure being less hostile towards her mother and teachers will probably end up saving her education in the long run. Sorry for another anticlimactic ending, especially since this chapter is so incredibly short, though really it could be argued that Chapters 22-27 were the real climax and this is just an epilogue. With this chapter done, Sara's story is officially over. I'd like to give some big speech about the nearly three years this has been going on for, but honestly I can't think of much to say, except thanks for reading, everyone!)

CHAP 20: THA FINALE BATOL BUTT THERES NOT REELY A BATTOL

I wuz prepair 2 fite Lauren butthan sudanly I stapped.  
"Lauren I dont wana fite" I sed. I throd my sord on tha grond.  
"Wy not?" sed Lauren.  
"Becuz I dont hav a resin 2 hat lesbans anemore" I sed "BECUZ IMA LESBAN!"  
Everone gapsed.  
"So I wuz rite al alon?" sed Lauren.  
"Ya u wer" I sed "al that stuf we did togeter wuz lesban stuff. And sins I wuz nevar rap I gess tahts not hao u becum a lesban. In fakt I dont thank I wuz evar reely strate."  
"So wut dos this men?" Lauren aksed.  
"It mens I hop u and Kairi r hapey togeter. I no ur prolly stil made at me 4 al tha bad thins I sed abot u butt I hop on dae we can al be frends" I sed.  
"Wut abot u?" sed Lauren.  
"I fond luv ons agen" I sed. I wlaked ovar 2 Haley and unted her. Than we kised rite in frant off everone. Expect God and Jesas who wernt their 4 sum resin and nether wuz Satin. That wuz weerd becuz they were al in tha lust chaptar. O well.  
"I luv u Haley" I sed.  
"I luv u 2" she sed.  
Sorey I ned 2 and this hear. Haley jus caled me in reel lief and I thank talken 2 her is moar impotent than riten thus.

THA NED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Also, note that Sara talks about how it's "almos tha weakand agen". She's actually talking about last weekend, in case you're wondering. Those time freezes permanently put Sara's universe four days behind ours)


End file.
